As The Hairy Cankle Turns
by Webbored Stories
Summary: The Hairy Cankle keeps turning
1. Episode 1

OPENING SCENE:  
  
Jeezus is sitting on the couch with his legs stretched out on the coffee table. He is brushing his hair hoping to use enough hot oil to hide his split ends.  
  
Kbo approaches from the foyer.  
  
KBO: I cannot believe this mess. The party is but three months away and I have not a thing to wear.  
  
JEEZUS: My dad, woman! I have a few issues here that are a bit more important than your pathetic selection of garbatry! I... HAVE... SPLIT... ENDS... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Jeezus Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
***CUT SCENE TO SPINNER'S DINER  
  
We see spinner in the kitchen counting frozen dinners.  
  
SPINNER: Fifty-six, fifty-seven (FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD COMING TOWARD THE KITCHEN ... Spinner quickly throws a towel over the pile of frozen dinners)  
  
(c-bring enters the kitchen. He has a severe limp and a hump on his back)  
  
C-BRING: Heeeeellloooo Mastah... Vhut ess thy bidding.  
  
SPINNER: I am in the misdtssth... ugh... in the middle of preparing a very special and SECRET recipe for the party that is to take place in three months. I need my privacy for the moment.  
  
C-BRING: (pulling at the towel) Oh Dearuh... Vhut is this muh mastah?  
  
SPINNER: OH you evil evil creature... GO... GO away GO AWAY NOW! (C-Bring slunkers out of the room) Oh... Oh my... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Spinner Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
(Dramatic Music)  
  
(Commercial Break)  
To be continued....  
  
(end commercial break)  
  
Opening: D's Kitchen. Cooking utensils are everywhere and "raw" material is spread out all over the counters. Piles of recipe books are open all over the place.  
  
D: Damn that Spinner. My cooking is fan-tab-ulous... but somehow... some way... she always finds a way to upstage me.  
  
(Pat the WebHead enters the kitchen in a leather G-string and wrist straps. He is wearing a ball gag in his mouth.)  
  
PAT: UGHLLMPPhhn mmuubble Luarphhhpppt!  
  
D: Honey... you are so much cuter when you don't try to speak... so SHADDUP!  
  
PAT: PHALLLMMMPPHHH ARRGHHH UPPPHHHH UUULAAAAAH!  
  
D: WHAT? The milk is sour? OH NO! How could this happen... the party is but three months away... NO NO NO... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (D Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
***CUT SCENE TO MISSY'S KITCHEN  
  
MISSY: (she is rifling through a cook book) Eggs Benedict, Poached eggs, Eggs Stroganoff, Eggs Creole... UGH... No "Fried Eggs"... Crowd... get in here, please!  
  
(crowd enters the room)  
  
CROWD: What's up?  
  
MISSY: The party is but three months away and I need to learn to cook a fried egg, but I can't find a recipe in any of these stoopit books.  
  
CROWD: Hmmm... maybe we can find a recipe on the Internet.  
  
MISSY: There's not enough time... I only have three months... *sob* I don't know how to fry a stoopit egg... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Missy Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
CROWD: (wearing an evil grin) Don't worry... you shall learn to fry an egg... and then we'll show them... WE'LL SHOW THEM ALL... BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA... and they will all pay!  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial break)  
  
Opening: Fu's Forbidden Fortress... King Fu sits on a throne made of Salami and Salmon carved into the shape of a large salamander. King Fu is puffing on a big cigar.  
  
FU: My plan is coming together so nicely. All the greatest chefs of the world will be at the benefit party that is but three months away. I cleverly disguised my ruse as a benefit party to lure these great chefs to cook their greatest dishes for me. I shall take these dishes and offer them to the monstrosity know as the dreaded SoopDragon and lure him under my control so that I... Baron Von Lucille FundaFu Bethesdal Merringham ... The Third!... can RU-ELL THE WORLD!!!!  
  
(a Hot Swedish chick with a nice ass and a great rack enters the room)  
  
(The part of the hot Swedish chick will be played by a faceless whore who wants to make it big in Hollywood and is willing to sleep with the director in order to land a small and meaningless part that she will hope get her discovered)  
  
SWEDISH CHICK: Every thing is coming to frui... fruita... Things are good Master Fu... shall I take my top off and massage you with oils now?  
  
FU (Big Evil Grin): YESSsssss!  
  
***** Cut Scene to Dimension X  
  
(CPK is throwing a tantrum... or having a fit while Nos stares stoically into the abyss)  
  
CPK: FUCK FUCK FUCK... FUCK FU... FUCK SPINNER... FUCK JEEZUS... FUCK'EM ALL... AND FUCK YOU  
  
NOS: You do realize that this party that is but three months away is just a clever ploy by FU to lure all the greatest chefs of the world to cook their best dishes so that he can steal them and offer them to the dreaded SoopDragon in order to lure him under Fu's control so that King Fu can attempt to take over the world. Have you ever noticed that people like that often are so transparent, but the people of the world are so fucking stupid that they don't realize it? Most people are too fucking hung up in their own little world's that they can't see some cheesy world domination plot that is right in front of their face. Take Bubbles for example... that fucking bitch is so fucking stupid that I bet she makes extras of what ever overly fattening dish she cranks out of her trailer park stove in order to bring to this shindig. Fucking morons.  
  
CPK: FUCK FUCK FUCK... or something  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial break)  
  
Opening: High atop the JaffeSld Productions Building in downtown in the plush apartment of Jaffe and Jen  
  
JAFFE: THAT BASTARD! AAAAAARGH... I should kill him for such insurrection. Such insult, such vile vehement verminous vafrousness.  
  
JEN: What's wrong, hon?  
  
JAFFE: This... FU-Fie person. He has devised a clever scheme to lure all the greatest chefs of the world to create their best dishes so that he may offer it to the dreaded SoopDragon. Then King Fu will control the dreaded SoopDragon and thusly be in an advantageous position to take over the world.  
  
JEN: Bummer  
  
JAFFE: HAVE YOU GONE MAAAAAAD?!? I am but four months away from positioning Myself to become ruler of the world.  
  
JEN: Ummm... and?  
  
JAFFE: VILE WENCH... Do you not pay attention any to MEEEEEEE? This... PARTY... this... thing... this... shindig... is but THREE months away. If he succeeds... he shall beat me to the "proverbial" punch.  
  
JEN: Ah. So that explains why you've been so cranky.  
  
JAFFE: Well... that and we ran out of Bac-Oh's and my Kraft Cheese and Macaroni doesn't taste the same without them.  
  
JEN: Gotcha!  
  
JAFFE: If the guys down at the Megalomaniacs Association find out about this... it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Jaffe Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
***Cut Scene  
  
Meanwhile at the Dark-Fire Lair...  
  
FIRESITE: Here... taste this  
  
DARKONE: No... you taste it  
  
FIRESITE: Look you flaming pick stickler... taste it or I fucking pistol whip your pansy ass again!  
  
DARKONE: Yeah like that will happen  
  
(FIRESITE pulls out a Desert Eagle and pistol whips DARKONE into a bloody pile on the floor... DARKONE begins to cry like a bitch)  
  
FIRESITE: NOW... fucking taste this.  
  
DARKONE: Hmmm.. Not bad.  
  
FIRESITE: NOT BAD? This party is but three months away... I don't want an opinion... I need your creative input.  
  
DARKONE: Well... it could use more pepper... or... We could put rat poison in it like we did last time!  
  
FIRESITE: Rat poison?  
  
DARKONE: Yeah... that benefit charity we cooked for last month... I put rat poison in... I figured it was for the parents of all those retards. Figured... if they all had retards, that meant they had flawed DNA and they all needed to die.  
  
FIRESITE: OH NO! If this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Firesite Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial)  
  
Opening: Little Little Italy... we enter Joey Bagadonutz's kitchen  
  
JOEY: HEY... Pastavanni, parmagana... Gretta GarBONE-EH! GABBAGOUL!  
  
TTONY: What duh fuck didjou juzz say?  
  
JOEY: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA... I'm just fuckin with you man! Pass me some Oregano!  
  
TTONY: I tells ya... ain't nobody... NOBODY gonna tops dis here pasta dish we's got goin on!  
  
JOEY: People love de Italian, man.  
  
RJ: Uh... guys... Don't you think that maybe... just maybe... a few of these people might recognize that your dishes all taste very similar to Chef Boyardi?  
  
TTONY: HEY... RJ... why don't you go screws yourself, eh?  
  
JOEY: Ain't nobody gonna figure it out. Besides... if we pour enough rum in this sonnuvabitch... they be too drunk to tell.  
  
RJ: All I'm sayin is that the party is three months aways... maybe you could try actually cooking something.  
  
TTONY: And yuh mutha was a humpbacked whore!  
  
JOEY: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Benificianado! Prego Preggo! Bounjoulie!  
  
TTONY: Hey, Joey... didja hears what I just told him? I says "And yuh mutha was a humpbacked whore!"  
  
********DISCLAIMER********* The preceding line was based on a characteristic of a character in the Sapronos ***************************  
  
RJ: (soliloquy) I hope these guys don't find out I'm not really Italian... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (RJ Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
****Cut scene  
  
We enter into Hotpants' kitchen  
  
RHOADRUNNER: WHOAAAAA! Whoa whoa whoa... Ummm... shouldn't that be "Paul's Kitchen"  
  
Uh... who's writing this fucking thing?  
  
RHOADRUNNER: Well, you are, but if you want it to be at least half ass accurate like it's been so far... It should be my kitchen... I'm the one stuck cooking the fuckin turkey's all the time. I coat that bastard with 12... that's one more than the Colonel ever had... 12 herbs and spices... I dunk it in the oil and wait all day until it reaches the peak of perfection. I got skills, fucker!  
  
Quit whining and get back to the scene!  
  
RHOADRUNNER: Look you assbag... I'm not doing the scene unless it's Paul's Kitchen.  
  
Oh... You'll do the scene and if you don't get back in there and do it now... you'll end up in a love scene... WITH GEORGE!  
  
RHOADRUNNER: Uh... Hotpants' kitchen it is then! (Rhoadrunner Begins crying like a bitch)  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial)  
  
Across town at the Four Building:  
  
COOLGRLJEN: Oh my gawd-uh... Thisch drummer is schoe hot... I love Mtv... Almoscht asch musch as I love my leather pantsch... HEY... what the fuck is this?  
  
What do you mean?  
  
COOLGRLJEN: This is just a bit too many clichés. I mean... COME ON.  
  
I clichéd the fuck out of everyone else... why should it be different for you?  
  
COOLGRLJEN: Well... at least give me a guy that's HOT-DUH! I mean you gave Fu that Schwedisch Schlut!  
  
Ok... I promise in one of the later scenes I'll add some guy that you consider "Hot-duh"  
  
COOLGRLJEN: Hee hee... Cool!  
  
(Synch calls from the kitchen)  
  
SYNCH: Is any one gonna help out with this?  
  
(LoonE2n darts across the room)  
  
LOONE2N: IwannastirIwannastirlemmestircanistiriwannastirletmestirletme OH OH OH... me me me letmestir  
  
SYNCH: Here... sheesh.  
  
COOLGRLJEN: HEY... wait... How come your not making fun of her?  
  
Well... long story... besides... she said it herself... she's quirkless.  
  
COOLGRLJEN: Nuh-uh... she dances like Natalie Merchant.  
  
SYNCH: Uhm... that's not really a quirk.  
  
(Rockstar Mike enters the room singing something under his breath.)  
  
LOONE2N: Whatchasinging huh huh huh whatchasinging????  
  
ROCKSTAR MIKE: That stupid Garth Brookes song... I am never going to Karaoke again. I can't sing anything but that stupid song... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RU... OH NO you don't... if you write that I cry... I kick your ass... Deal?  
  
You guys are not easy to work with. I think I'll just change the scene!  
  
***Cut scene****  
  
We now enter Wolvie's Kitchen... there are stains everywhere...  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial)  
  
We now enter a cave where two sisters... both of them bitche... ummm... witches... are stirring a boiling pot.  
  
LILBIT: Boil Boil Troil and...  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: What are you doing?  
  
LILBIT: Ummm... It's Shakesbeer you uneducated twit!  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: UGH... I cannot believe you are my sister.  
  
LILBIT: I can kick your ass!  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: Would you stop it. The party is but in three months and we need to stir this stew!  
  
LILBIT: But... it's not really stew... I forgot the broth, the meat, and the vegetables.  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: So what's in here?  
  
LILBIT: Just water... and... and... my teddy bear!  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: OH NO!!! If this got out it'twould RUIN us... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Southerngirl Begins crying like a... uh... well... nevermind)  
  
****Cut Scene  
  
We enter a dark room on a space station high above the Earth.  
  
DARTH: Feeble minded fools! They have all fallen trap to King Fu's bullshit plan to bring all their goody goody shit so he can feed it to that fucking wastoid Soopdragon. Fu thinks he can take over the world with that stoopit fucking plot.  
  
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!  
  
DARTH: Eh... fuck'em... let the fucking sub-humans battle over that hunk of wasted dirt.  
  
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!  
  
DARTH: When the time comes... we'll go for the real prize... and I'm not talking about a threesome with the Olsen twins... I am talking about total control of the UNIVERSE! I will become their GAWD!  
  
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!  
  
DARTH: But... I feel something...  
  
(Cue eerie dramatic foreboding music)  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial)  
  
We are in another part of the space station high above the Earth. EKG is answering telephones.  
  
EKG: Darth Corps Industry What the fuck do you want?  
  
Uh Huh... too fuckin bad, BITCH!  
  
(Soliloquy) That stupid bitch secretary better hurry the hell up... I got shit to do Man!  
  
(GRUMPY* The band not the fuckin dwarf... walks Up to the desk)  
  
EKG: Hey guys, what's going on?  
  
GRUMPY*: (Facing the screen and in perfect unison) HI, we're GRUMPY*... we are just here to gratuitously bend over and wiggle our asses in front of EKG.  
  
EKG (evil grin): Hey guys... can you grab that pile of thingies up off the floor over there.  
  
(gratuitous bending)  
  
***Cut Scene  
  
We enter a realm of darkness... you'll notice throughout this that most of the people are in dark rooms... it's helps the audience keep their lunch down.  
  
ISOL8D: So Mister FU... you think that this party of yours to take place in but three months is your key to controlling the world... but you underestimated my cunning little mind... My origami army is almost complete. It is just a matter of time!  
  
BUUuuuhahahahah  
  
(Cue echo effects... fade to black... bring on announcer with really fucking cool voice... and if someone says "Russ Albums" I'll write their sorry asses right out of the script!)  
  
COOL VOICE GUY: That's all the time we have today for "As the Hairy Cankles Turn"... what a stupid fucking name that is... stay tuned for scenes from the next exciting episode of "As the Hairy Cankles Turn"...  
  
(Quick Station ID... yadda yadda... mention Sanka... and cue previews)  
  
JEEZUS: No KRyStahl... I'm going for full bodied and bouncy... not Jersey girl tease! *huff*  
  
TTONY: You find dis fuck... and you whack da rat bastid! I don't care who his muddah is!  
EKG: MMmmmmmmm... Now could you pick those thingies up over there!  
HOT ITALIAN BROAD: I'm sorry I'm late King FU... I was busy oiling up my legs... should I take my top off and bend over your knee for my punishment?  
"As the Hairy Cankles Turn" is a piss poor entertainment production.  
  
No one wanted to have their names in the credit... please tune in next time or Harold's oldest daughter can't get her braces and this chick has got one fucked up grill! 


	2. Episode 2

Day 2  
  
(cue cheesy music. fade music down)  
  
Fade up into Jeezus's living room. Jeezus is still brushing his hair, and is now on the phone.  
  
JEEZUS: .but this IS and emergency. I have split ends (cue dramatic music).  
  
KBO: (rolling eyes) You didn't whine this much over that groin pull.  
  
JEEZUS: (into the phone) Are you nuts??? My hair would poof up like a Macy Day Parade Balloon version of Dudley Dew Right. or worse. like Delta Burke at the Entenmanns' Convention! (pause to listen) No KRyStahl... I'm going for full bodied and bouncy... not Jersey girl tease! *huff*  
  
KBO: You know. I'm supposed to be the voice of reason in this scene, but I don't think anything I say would even put a dent in your hysterics. you're on your own bud.  
  
****Cut scene  
  
We enter Spinner's Diner to find Spinner microwaving various frozen dinners.  
  
SPINNER: As long as that muttonhead can keep his retard mouth shut, I can get away with this and destroy D, AGAIN. (evil laugh)  
  
(c-bring runs in all discombobulated and bouncing. a schmeggeggle of drool is flapping around on the corner of his mouth)  
  
CBRING: Heee hee (heavy breathing) I deed eet mastuh, I deed eet  
  
SPINNER: What the fuck are you talking about you idiot?  
  
CBRING: I deed eet, I deed eet. I deed eet mastuh  
  
SPINNER: Uhhh. you said that. now explain what the fuck you are talking about before I whip your sorry ass with the rubber hose. AGAIN!  
  
CBRING: Thee Eetal-yuns. I finddeed thar seecreet. Theyz yoosin Chef Boyardi for theee compu-tition. they are cheeeting like you.. I have dee proof  
  
SPINNER: IF YOU MENTION THE FROZEN DINNERS TO ANYONE. I swear to Jeezus's dad that I will grab your bulging nut sack and stretch it out to here. then wrap it around your neck and choke you with it.  
  
CBRING: Sorry Mastuh. but I findeded the prooooof that the Eetal-yuns are cheething.  
  
SPINNER: Well hand it over you drunken drooling fuck cunt.  
  
(cue dramatic music. fade to commercial)  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial break)  
  
(D's Kitchen. Pat the Webhead is hogged tied and hanging upside down from the ceiling.)  
  
D: Now it's not that I want to destroy her. I just want to find out her secret. How does she beat me every time. For Christ sakes, for the burrito competition three years ago I imported some people from Mexico to cook these damn things and some how she pulled some trick out her ass to beat me.  
  
PAT: (Still with ball gag in his mouth) Mmmmbbbllllphmmnnn KKkkkccccchhschhsck  
  
D: Oh shut up! I tried using MSG already. it didn't work. Gawd you are so stoopit. Maybe if I visited the Oracle, she could give me some advice. I mean. not that she can cook. you tried those fritter things she made last year at Christmas. BLECH. but maybe she can look into the future and see some way of beating that Spinner!  
  
(dramatic music)  
  
*** Cut scene  
  
CPK: Fuckity fuckl fuck fuckin fuck fuck fuck  
  
NOS: Yes, I agree. I looked in these old Latin books to see if there was something about the SoopDragon. Good thing you speak Latin fluently. I was having trouble with that one part. Anyway. The way I see it, every creature out there has a weakness. It is the way nature is designed. Nature is flawed. Take humans for example. Humans are in all comparison, frail creatures and it is amazing that we ended up on the top of the food chain. Opposable thumbs or not, most of the critters out there can kick are asses in a one on one battle. It fascinates me that the everything that really kills humans are all self inflicted. For instance. I smoke, I like to smoke. I like the way it feels in my lungs when I inhale. I also know that it will kill me. But this world has my mind so incredibly fucked up that I don't care enough about living out my life for a long time to give up the few moments of joy I get out of puffing on a cigarette. Then again, if I had the opportunity to live forever, I don't think I would because too many people on this world are so incredibly fucked up that I would want to constantly choke the shit out of them.  
  
CPK: (staring blankly and drooling) Uuuuhmmmmm. Huh?  
  
(Puffy enters the room)  
  
PUFFY: Would both of you shut the fuck up. We have a Jihad to plan here and all you two can do is wax intellectual about the fate of man while the other goes into a teretic cussing fit. Now, call the Columbians and work on getting some of the soldiers in place.  
  
CPK: Who the fuck put her in charge?  
  
NOS: Who the fuck let her in here?  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Who the fuck took my weed?  
  
BEASTIE GIRL: (from the kitchen) Who the fuck ate all the Doritos???  
  
CPK: WHOA. what the fuck just happened here?  
  
NOS: Fuck this. I'm outta here. HEY. YOU. yeah you. the stupid fuck writing this piece of shit. could you. I dunno. give me a cool dramatic ending?  
  
Sure!  
  
NOS: Thanks  
  
(Nos rises up off the ground and high into the air. his body begins to glow bright white and explodes.. the explosion can be seen all over the east coast of the United States.)  
  
(commercial break) (end commercial break)  
  
Missy's kitchen  
  
MISSY: DAMMNIT. DAMN DAMN DAMN!  
  
CROWD: What now?  
  
MISSY: The stoopit yolk thingie keeps breaking.  
  
CROWD: Did you use oil?  
  
MISSY: Oil??? (blank stare)  
  
CROWD: Oh gawd. you're kidding right? How did you get to be a master chef?  
  
MISSY: (giggling) I have Noooooo idea. besides. you're the moron writing this, you should be able to answer that question.  
  
CROWD: Ummm. I'm just a character in this like you. Stay focused.  
  
MISSY: What if I just made pudding?  
  
CROWD: If you can't cook an egg, I doubt that you could master pudding.  
  
MISSY: (goes to fridge and pulls out Jell-O brand pudding single from a pack of six and peels the aluminum foil top) See. all done.  
  
CROWD: I doubt that will qualify as a great dish for the competition at the party that is but three months away.  
  
MISSY: Well. I heard that everyone else was cheating. why should I have to cook?  
  
(meanwhile in the Throne Room)  
  
FU: AAAAAAAAAahahahahahahahahaa hee hee *hic* haahahahahaahaaa.  
  
(The part of Hot Chick in French Maid Outfit is played by Jenny McCarthy cause it has been a while since she actually had a paying gig and she'd probably work cheap. I heard she didn't make much off of Basketball)  
  
HOT CHICK IN FRENCH MAID OUTFIT: What is it master?  
  
FU: Ohhh. nothing. I just amuuuuuuse myself sometimes.  
  
HOT CHICK IN FRENCH MAID OUTFIT: Do you want to continue waiting or should I go get her?  
  
FU: We can wait a moment longer.  
  
(Hot Italian Broad enters room - The part of Hot Italian Broad is being played by Monica Belucci.. Yummy!)  
  
HOT ITALIAN BROAD: I'm sorry I'm late King FU... I was busy oiling up my legs... should I take my top off and bend over your knee for my punishment?  
  
FU: YEEEEESsssss!  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial)  
  
Little Little Italy  
  
RJ: Well, I figured out what that noise was.  
  
JOEY: Punganoon, foogazzi, Burelli, Moochanini  
  
TTONY: Would you stop dat already.  
  
JOEY: Sorry. I just get into my cooking.  
  
TTONY: Well. Dumbledorf. what da hell wuzzit?  
  
RJ: Well. I went through the videotape of the surveillance cameras that I had set up without you guys knowing so I could look down the blouses of any of the chicks that came to see Joey. and well. here. take a look.  
  
TTONY: What da hell is dat ting?  
  
JOEY: AAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAAA. It's a circus midget!!!  
  
TTONY: Whut da hell is on his back?  
  
JOEY: AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAA. a circus midget with a hump.  
  
RJ: I can enhance it so we can see the face better.  
  
TTONY: Holy CHRIST dat ting is ugly! It's like a troll wit two o'clock shadow.  
  
JOEY: AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHA a humped back badly shaven circus midget with a limp. Now THAT's funny!  
  
RJ: Hey guys. doesn't he look familiar?  
  
TTONY: Reminds me oh you muddah! HA. Hey Joey, Ja hear whud I says, He says, "Hey guys. doesn't he look familiar?" so I says, "Reminds me oh you muddah!"  
  
JOEY: Hey wait. isn't that Spinner's little punchy boy manservant?  
  
(*Author's note. Joey was originally going to say that C-Bring was spinner's little Bitch, however since Dave is Spinner's Bitch "Little Punchy Boy Man Servant" was substituted in order to avoid confusion. -- Ed.)  
  
RJ: Oh my god. do you think he saw anything?  
  
TTONY: I want dis fucka dead  
  
RJ: But his mom is friends with my mom. my mom was a nurse at the Looney Bin that his mother was an inmat. errr. patient at.  
  
TTONY: You find dis fuck... and you whack da rat bastid! I don't care who his muddah is!  
  
**Cut scene  
  
Meanwhile. on the Space Station  
  
DARTH: . but can you put Sullivan's head in the place where a donkey's ass is. oh. better yet. have the Donkey shitting Sullivan out.  
  
BATONRUDE: Anything you need, master.  
  
DARTH: Just thinking about being the Dark Lord of the universe is making me all giddy. my nipples are hard. I feel just like a little girl. tee hee  
  
BATONRUDE: Yes, Master.  
  
(and in the lobby)  
  
EKG: MMmmmmmmm... Now could you pick those thingies up over there!  
  
(commercial break) (end commercial)  
  
LILBIT: Stir the pot while the stew is hot because if not the broth will clot and become very stiff much like the joints of a robot and to get past that you have to work. A LOT and though the others are cheating, they'll surely get caught Oh. Oh. can we add the Okra I bought?  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: You. are. NOT. MY. SISTER  
  
(and back at the HotPants Kitchen)  
  
RHOADRUNNER: Honey, could you hand me that thermometer?  
  
HOTPANTS: I can't, I just painted my nails!  
  
RHOADRUNNER: Oh come on. YOU. yeah you. can't you do something about this. I dunno, maybe write in here that she actually does some cooking? Or at least make it Shannon and Paul's kitchen.  
  
(and George walks in from the backyard wearing nothing but a towel around his neck)  
  
RHOADRUNNER: OK OK OK. damnit man. This just sucks.  
  
(and George goes back outside)  
  
(and High atop the Four Building)  
  
LOONE2N: whatchamakinwhatchamakinwhatchamakin huh huh huh huh huh caniseecanisee huh huh huh?  
  
SYNCH: It's Meat.  
  
COOLGRLJEN: I'll see you guys later I gotta run.  
  
LOONE2N: WhereyagoinWhereyagoinWhereyagoin huh huh huh huh huh Whereyagoin  
  
COOLGRLJEN: I'm going down to the Pizza place. the writer is supposed to have a really HOT-DUH guy waiting for me there.  
  
(RockstarMike falls down and goes into a coma)  
  
(*Note from Editor. The character of RockStarMike is being placed into a coma because he is gone. We here at piss poor entertainment didn't feel it would be nice to kill him off directly in case he came back and then we'd be all in a quandary and have to make something stupid up like a twin brother that was the real RockStarMike and that this first guy was just an impersonator. -- Ed.)  
  
(and in a dark Place somewhere)  
  
ISOL8D: (hard at work folding a piece of paper) a few more folds and my Origami stealth bomber will be completed.. the time is at hand. Enjoy your party Mr. Fu. It will be your last. BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
(cue cool ass echo effect thing)  
  
(and in the Dark Fire Cage. errr. Cave. Freudian slip there. disregard,)  
  
FIRESITE: You take that back. I do not look like Redman.  
  
DARKONE: Yes you do. here, look at this picture.  
  
FIRESITE: You burn that picture now, or I will kill you!  
  
DARKONE: OK. but I have like. I dunno. a thousand copies at home.  
  
(Redman starts rolling down the ramp into the Dark Fire Cave and his Maga- mega Tron scooter flips over and he goes tumbling down the ramp)  
  
DARKONE AND FIRESITE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA  
  
(Meanwhile at the Jaffe Salad Productions Headquarters)  
  
JEN: How's it going dear?  
  
JAFFE: Well. I just got off the phone with them. they're coming over in a bit.  
  
JEN: Cool, want me to pick up anything at the store?  
  
JAFFE: Nah. I think we have enough artificial cheese flavored snacks in the cupboard.  
  
JEN: So what are you thinking?  
  
JAFFE: That I am the greatest gift the supreme beings were kind enough to bestow on this mudhole.  
  
JEN: I meant about this situation.  
  
JAFFE: Oh. I think they'll be able to help out. It could get a bit ugly. but in the end. the world will be a brand new place.  
  
JEN: Well. sunshine. they're here!  
  
(cue dramatic "Who's coming up the sidewalk" music and fade to black)  
  
CHEESY ANNOUNCER GUY: Tune in next time to find out: who Jaffe has enlisted the aide from? who Isol8d is talking to? will ekg get her rocks off? Are littleBit and SouthernGirl really sisters? Why wasn't ________ included in the story? (Give me a break. I just started for christ's sake) Is Fu the luckiest horniest guy in the world or what? Does Paul secretly want to get with George but is too embarrassed by the constraints of today's society to break free and let the world know of his hidden desires? (Ummmm. the editorial staff will go ahead and answer this one with a "NO". we take no responsibility for what the writer is typing. he forgot his coffee creamer this morning so he's a bit "off" today.) and other burning questions on "As the Hairy Cankles Turn" 


	3. Episode 3

Day 3  
  
Outside the sun is shining brightly, but for how long?  
  
A stranger walks up the long; long drive way that leads to the mansion on the hill. The marble columns rise high above the front porch and glimmer in the sunshine.  
  
The gentleman reaches out his hand to knock on the enormous front door that is emblazoned with a gigantic golden "D".  
  
The front door opens.  
  
D: Hello?  
  
BLOWINUP: Hi, my name is Dave and I saw the ad that you put in "Strange Sexual Fantasy Weekly".  
  
D: *giggle* Well then come on in.  
  
BLOWINUP: You have a beautiful home.  
  
D: Oh. careful of my chandelier there. that's Pat the WebHead. Say hello Pat.  
  
PAT: GGMMMBBBBLLLMMMPHHHhh  
  
BLOWINUP: Oh. yeah. I heard of this guy. is he really as incapable as the rumors say?  
  
D: Eh. he's fun to have "hanging" around.  
  
BLOWINUP: Yeah, but the guy can't even code a simple HTML page.  
  
D: Uhm. if you haven't noticed. HTML is NOT what I have him here to work on. Now go in the other room and put this on. we'll take you for a test drive.  
  
***Cut Scene  
  
We travel now to the conference room at the headquarters of Jaffe Salad Productions. He is standing at the head of the table. He is flanked by GatorJen. The others at the table are all dressed up like some sort of super hero team.  
  
JAFFE: . and that is why I called you guys here.  
  
USELESSLEGS: (in a Marlon Brando as Vito Corleon raspy voice. not like Marlon Brando after downing an entire bucket of chicken gravy. but back when he was still kinda cool) What you have said to me is intriguing.  
  
(He glances across to the table at the gentleman with spiked up hair. the guy nods)  
  
USELESSLEGS: We will agree to help you, on the one condition that when this is all over, we are declared the sole government of Istanbul.  
  
JAFFE: I think we can work that out.  
  
USELESSLEGS: With that done, please allow me to introduce you to my team. This fellow over here is Jimmy Nexus. he shoots glowing green neon monkey spit out of his penis. It burns the enemy like acid.  
  
JIMMY NEXUS: Hey, What's up?  
  
USELESSLEGS: The brutal guy over there at the buffet table eating the octopus beaks is Psycho Eddie. When he gets into a fight he just eats the enemy. It is an interesting thing to see.  
  
PSYCHO: Hey  
  
USELESSLEGS: The lady over there with that stoopit Lord of the Rings Elfin Doll that looks like a chick is LilShyOne. When we need her to kill someone we just tell her that the target said that Joey Fat One was gay. she rips their head off.  
  
LILSHYONE: It's Fa-tone!  
  
USELESSLEGS: And this. this brutal killer here. this is Shifty. He was abandoned by his parents when he was three and was raised by a pack of Mobsters and Bikers. He's pretty level headed. but be warned. when that watch comes off. it's ShowTime!  
  
SHIFTY: Hey how ya doin!  
  
USELESSLEGS: Now. tell me more about this. FU!  
  
(Fade to commercial)  
  
(End Commercial)  
  
To Dimension X.  
  
CPK: I can't fucking believe he's fucking gone. FUCK  
  
PUFFY: We don't fucking need him, we need to start this fucking Jihad.  
  
BEASTIEGIRL: We need to get some fucking food.  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Where the fuck is my pipe. it was right fucking here.  
  
PUFFY: DO I NEED TO FUCKING KILL YOU ALL???  
  
BEASTIEGIRL: Chill the fuck out. OK. I'm calling Papa John's. what do you guy want on your pizza?  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Doritos and Pudding!  
  
CPK: FUCK  
*** Cut scene  
  
We travel now to the stately mansion of Spinner. Outside in the garden C- Bring is picking his tighty whitey underwear out of his ass as Spinner is picking fresh vegetables.  
  
The Italians are lurking in the bushes.  
  
JOEY: Buggalatario, Danny Terrio, Poppa Greccio.  
  
TTONY: I swear ta gad if yous keep dat up, I'll whack ya myself.  
  
JOEY: I feel like a real live mobster guy.  
  
RJ: Should we get them now?  
  
TTONY: Hold on a minute. she's bendin ovah and I's can see down her shirt.  
  
JOEY: NUH UH. Ooooh wow. you can.  
  
RJ: Whoa!  
  
(in the garden)  
  
SPINNER: Get you hands out of your pants you fuckin freak.  
  
C-BRING: Sorry mastuh. I had a wedgie  
  
SPINNER: You stick your hands in your pants again before you touch the food and I will hang you up in a tighty whitey cradle you fuckin twit.  
  
C-BRING: I heard-ed something  
  
(behind the bushes)  
  
The Italians pull out their guns and begin to shoot up the place  
  
TTONY: Die you fuckin rat bastid!  
  
JOEY: Gigglario, Bunsaroundio, Assgrabiano!  
  
SPINNER: You wanna fuck with me?? Well fuck with this!  
  
Spinner pulls out an M-16 from an M-16 cozy lying on the garden table and begins to fire like mad. A bullet hits Joey.  
  
JOEY: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. the stupid bitch shot me in the eye  
  
***Cut scene  
  
And in the DarkFire Cave  
  
DARKONE AND FIRESITE: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA HA AHA HAHAAHH AHAHAH AHA HA HA AHA AHAHAHAHAH HAAH AHAHA AHAH  
  
REDMAN: Guys. uh. guys. could you help me out here?  
  
DARKONE AND FIRESITE: AAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHH HA AHA HA AHAH AH AHAH AAHAH AHAHA AHAHAHAHH AHH AHAHAHAH AAHH  
  
REDMAN: Come on guys help me out here.  
  
FIRESITE: Hmmm. think we should help him out?  
  
DARKONE: Eh. in a minute. this is too much fun, besides. the crane is out of gas.  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial)  
  
On the Space Station. in the lobby  
  
Victoria walks in.  
  
EKG: Where the fuck have you been you stupid lazy bitch?  
  
VICTORIA: I was having a gangbang with some of the dweebs down in accounting.  
  
EKG: OOOh. well. I'm out of here. Okay guys. you can stop picking those things up. we're going grocery shopping now. And if you guys are really good, I'll buy you a toy!  
  
GRUMPY*: Ooooooh GOOODIE!!!  
  
(and in the boss's inner sanctum)  
  
DARTH: No. make his ass BIGGER!!!  
  
BATONRUDE: Yes, Master.  
  
DARTH: Oh. and make his jowls dangle like that fat whores boobs do.  
  
BATONRUDE: Yes, Master.  
  
*** Cut scene  
  
Back at the FOUR Building.  
  
Mike is in the corner hooked up to the stuff they hook people that are in comas to. Synch is in the kitchen cooking the dish that this group will present to King Fu at the party that is but three months away.  
  
LOONE2N: Loookiiieeeee I'ma racecar schroom schroom schrooom schrooom  
  
***Cut scene  
  
At the Pizza Place.  
  
CoolgirlJen walks in and sees Brad Pitt sitting at the table nearest the door. he reaches out and grabs her hand.  
  
(Due to budget constraints. the Part of Brad Pitt will be played by George Kelley)  
  
BRAD PITT: Hi. Jennifer called me last night and said she was run over by a bus and dies later that evening in the hospital due to complications with the medication. I figured if you wanted to, we could get together.  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: *drool*  
  
(commercial break)  
  
(end commercial)  
  
We see Jeezus walking into Krystahl's Beauty Salon.  
  
GLENNGLOW: I'm sorry but Krystahl had to fly to. OH MY GAWD. YOUR JEEZUS. I THINK YOU'RE GREAT. YOU'RE FUNNY MAN.  
  
JEEZUS: I think I just walked into hell.  
**Cut scene  
  
Missy's kitchen  
  
MISSY: But what if he doesn't like it?  
  
CROWD: You'll be fine. you have to remember these are the greatest chef's in the world  
  
MISSY: Oh god. what if he gags on it?  
  
CROWD: We'll he is used to gagging on things.  
  
MISSY: crowd. Please help me  
  
CROWD: You're doing fine. chill the fuck out.  
  
MISSY: I'll just give him the pudding.  
  
CROWD: UGH!  
  
***Cut Scene  
  
In the cave.  
  
LILBIT: Can I stop stirring now?  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: No. it says to stir for twenty-six days.  
  
LILBIT: Aaaawww. ok  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: I need to run out and grab some stuff. you want anything?  
  
LILBIT: Whooooooa!  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: What, what?  
  
LILBIT: Look at my muscle. cool!  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: UGH. I'll see you later.  
  
***Cut scene  
  
In HotPants' kitchen.  
  
HOTPANTS: Oh cool. what's this thing  
  
RHOADRUNNER: Ummm. Some folks call it a. SPOON  
  
HOTPANTS: Then what's that?  
  
RHOADRUNNER: A ladle  
  
HOTPANTS: COOL!!!  
  
***Cut scene  
  
In an Isolated dark room.  
  
ISOL8D: So you see. if we coat the origami with oatmeal. they will be indestructible.  
  
MAMA JUGGS: (In annoying Roseanne voice) Why don't we just buy a real army?  
  
ISOL8D: Because FU will see it coming. the key to an origami army is stealth and oatmeal.  
  
MAMA JUGGS: You are just weird. can I hang you from the ceiling?  
  
***Cut scene  
  
In Fu's Throne Room.  
  
FU: This is great. all my plans are coming to fruition. all except that unfortunate accident with Joey's eye. oh well. he can get a glass one.  
  
(Hot Spanish Chick wearing Medieval Garb enters the room. The part of Hot Spanish Chick wearing Medieval Garb will be played by Penelope Cruz)  
  
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: How are you this evening my King?  
  
FU: Not too fuckin' bad. how about you sweet tits?  
  
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: I'm much better now my Lord.  
  
FU: Good to hear. awwww. today is a good day.  
  
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: Would you like to coat myself in oil and rub my body all over you now?  
  
FU: YEEEEeeeeessssss!  
  
***Cut scene  
  
CHEESY ANNOUNCER GUY: The writers were lazy today. but tune in next time despite the pathetic events that occurred today. Hell. they can't all be winners. 


	4. Episode 4

Day 4  
  
In the Dark-Fire Cave...  
  
Firesite and Darkone finally, after much struggling and a couple of hernias, finally... get Redman back upright.  
  
DARKONE: There... now stop trying to roll down that stupid ramp... use the fucking elevator.  
  
FIRESITE: Well... our dish is finished, save for one... JUST ONE KEY INGREDIENT!!!  
  
REDMAN: Oregano?  
  
(Darkone smacks Redman)  
  
DARKONE: Shut up!  
  
FIREONE: We need the toenail of the dreaded SoopDragon. Then... no matter what... all those fools will think that our dish is the greatest in the world.  
  
DARKONE: And at that party that is but three months away, we will win the competition.  
  
REDMAN: And win the one billion Dollars  
  
(Firesite smacks Redman)  
  
FIRESITE: Shut up!  
  
DARKONE: And with the winnings we can buy that Satellite Laser system and take over the world!  
  
FIRESITE: Yes... I will... uh... we will be rulers of the world.  
  
DARKONE: Well... let's get rolling.  
  
***Cut scene  
  
High on a mountaintop in Tibet...  
  
DREAMER: Whoa... how the hell did you get here?  
  
NOS: Hell if I know... I asked the writer to kill me off, but you know how it is with Soap Operas, no one really dies. The one thing I can't understand is how people can actually get into these stupid things. But given the average intellectual level of the populous, I can see how these things are the perfect thing for them to use to escape into to forget about life for a few hours a day. God knows it is easier to just sit and breathe than actually use your brain and try to improve yourself. Although lately I have noticed myself slipping into the abyss of apathy and just throwing my hands in the air and joining these fools. Then I enter into a pit of self- loathing, finding out that I hate myself for giving into the temptations of laziness and ineptness.  
  
DREAMER: Uh... dude... chill out... here... take a puff of this.  
  
NOS: Thanks.  
  
DREAMER: Hagan Das???  
  
***Cut Scene  
  
PUFFY: ... and this is a trick I learned at band camp...  
  
BEASTIEGIRL: I got an idea... how about we impale your stupid ass on the flag...  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Hey... have you seen my bong around here?  
  
CPK: FUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!  
  
***Cut Scene  
  
D's Kitchen  
  
Blowinup is now hanging in the same manner as Pat... without the ball gag  
  
BLOWINUP: ... but seriously, how long would it take to upgrade the thing?  
  
PAT: MMMPpHHHHLLppHHHHHBBBT  
  
BLOWINUP: We'll if you need someone to show you since you don't know how to do it... I can do it and go through it slowly step by step so you can understand it.  
  
PAT: GRRRR... PPPHHBBBTTLLLTT  
  
BLOWINUP: I can also fix all that other stuff you screwed up. It wouldn't take me that long... I am that good.  
  
D: Ahhhh... I love when my playthings get along so well.  
  
***Cut scene  
  
Police headquarters...  
  
The part of the Detective will be played by CnM.  
  
CNM: You sick piece of trash... he was only seven and you tried to touch his penis.  
  
FONGOUL: But he said he was twenty-one.  
*** Cut Scene  
  
Krystahl's Beauty Shoppe  
  
(OleBitch pushes GlennGlow out of the way)  
  
OLEBITCH: Oh Lordy... that is the sorriest rat's nest OleBitch ever did see. What you need is some grade A OleBitch Servicing and Beauty Care.  
  
JEEZUS: Uh... I normally go to KryStahl to have my hair worked on.  
  
OLEBITCH: OleBitch here can run circles around that limp wristed wise ass.  
  
JEEZUS: No really... nothing personal, but I'll wait for Krystahl.  
  
OLEBITCH: OleBitch here is gonna whoop your ass.  
  
(Krystahl enters through the backdoor)  
  
[The part of Krystahl will be played by Harvey Firestien.]  
  
Krystahl: Ooooooh Dahlink, I came as soon as I hoid! I think I have just the thing for you... please... come to my special operating room.  
  
***Cut scene  
  
Spinner's Diner  
  
(Ttony and RJ are enjoying a dish that Spinner has prepared while Joey and C-Bring are playing patty-cakes)  
  
TTONY: Dis is good.  
  
RJ: I hope that cybernetic eye that I made for Joey will help him deal with the fact that he lost an eye in the gunfight that we had in Spinner's garden.  
  
TTONY: OK... so's I'm gonna make youse an offah, and I hopes... for yours sake, dat you says yes.  
  
SPINNER: You want to join forces and use my cooking talents and your ruthless disregard for human life to eliminate and obliterate the competition then split the prize money on a 60 40 division with you guys taking the higher percentage.  
  
RJ: Wow  
  
TTONY: How'd youse know dat?  
  
C-BRING: Mastah is smaht  
  
JOEY: AAAAAAAahhahahahaa... no she isn't... I told her while I was looking at her boobs when she was holding the gauze over my eye.  
  
SPINNER: We can have a deal if I get the 60 percent... after all... it is my dish that will take the prize.  
  
TTONY: We'll talk lata... pass me a biscuit!  
*** Cut scene  
  
On the Space station:  
  
BATONRUDE: Well... this is probably like every other event that Fu has put together... everyone else does all the work and he collects all the cash at the door. Then he gives the winner a billion dollars... but I bet he does something like giving the winner a billion dollars worth of half off coupons at the King Fu Ice Cream Shoppe, so that he can profit further from the winner. By the way... did you hear my new game on the radio... It's on the Philips Phile at about five o'clock on Tuesdays.  
  
DARTH: Philips is a washed up has been that only plays stupid games to fill four hours.  
  
EKG: You guys want to see Grumpy* bend over again???  
  
VICTORIA: Nah... I think I'm going to head down to the XL wing and talk to the dweebs.  
***Cut Scene  
  
In a cave somewhere on the side of a mountain...  
  
LILBIT: I hope you don't mind but I poured some tequila in the mixture.  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: Sometimes I wish you were not my sister.  
  
LILBIT: Want a truffle?  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: Stop fooling around... I've fixed everything that you forgot for the stew... but we are still missing one special ingredient.  
  
LILBIT: Uh Oh...  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: Yep... a lock of hair from the Dreaded SoopDragon.  
  
LILBIT: eeeeeeeewwwww...  
  
SOUTHERNGIRL: Let's get going!  
(Commercial break) 


	5. Episode 5

Day 5  
  
High a top the Four Building the smell of cooking meat fills the air. The door opens and CoolgirlJen enters with her new man.  
  
(Unfortunately, due to heavy gambling debts, we have had to replace the actor that was previously playing Brad Pitt with Derrek)  
COOLGIRLJEN: Hi Guysch, Guessch who I ran into at the Pischa Plasch!  
  
LOONE2N: Whowhowhowhowhowhowhowhwohwohwowhowhwohwohwho Huh???  
  
SYNCH: Great. now can someone please give me a hand over here?  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: Cool, How'sch it coming?  
  
SYNCH: Pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. we only need one more thing.  
  
LOONE2N: whatdoweneedwhatdoweneedwhatdoweneedwhatdoweneed???  
  
SYNCH: We need a piece of lint from the belly button of the dreaded Soop Dragon, then no one will be able to resischt our disch!  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: *snort* You Schpoke withsch a lischp!  
***Cut scene  
  
In Hotpants' Kitchen  
  
HOTLIPS: Hi. I was wondering if I could borrow some horse feed from you guys.  
  
RHOADRUNNER: Uhm.  
  
HOTPANTS: What the hell is this stoopit bitch doing in my fucking kitchen??  
  
HOTLIPS: Fine. I'll go then, bitch!  
  
HOTPANTS: Yer Damn right I'm a bitch you stupid cunt!  
  
HOTLIPS: Well screw you then I'm gonna stay.  
  
HOTPANTS: Bitch, you best be walkin the fuck on a'fore I have to scratch yer damn eyes out.  
  
RHOADRUNNER: (smiling wide) I love chick fights  
  
HOTLIPS: Screw this; I'm out of here.  
  
HOTPANTS: Walk the fuck on then!  
  
HOTLIPS: Not just yet, I needed some horse feed.  
  
HOTPANTS: You stupid cunt, you just don't get it do you?  
  
HOTLIPS: Screw this. I'm out of here.  
***Cut scene  
  
And that Hall of Poo-ness:  
  
SHIFTY: How's bout I just kick this Fu's ass and stop him from taking over the world?  
  
NEXUS: It's not that simple  
  
PSYCHO: Yeah, if you did that, the plot will have no build up and the writer will not have an opportunity to make fun of the rest of the people.  
  
USELESS: And none of us will get the chance to dress up in these cool ass tights I picked up.  
  
SHIFTY: I'll wear a cape. but I ain't wearing no Faeeeeg tights.  
  
LILSHYONE: I have an extra ticket to N*Synch tonight, who wants to go  
  
THE GROUP: Grooooooooooan  
  
***Cut scene  
  
At the Jaffe Salad Production Headquarters  
  
JAFFE: But I want to be in charge!!!  
  
GATORJEN: Oh calm down you big baby. it's Monopoly. if you really want to be the banker, then be the banker!!!  
  
JAFFE: Heee hee. Me am be in charge!  
***Cut Scene  
  
MISSY: Hee ehee heehehehehehehe he ehe heheh ehe he eheh eh eh eh ehhe ehe hweh ehehe he he eh e ehe ehehehe e  
  
I DID IT!!!  
  
I FINALLY GOT THE EGG COOKED!  
  
CROWD: Congratulations. Have you seen an ashtray around here anywhere?  
  
MISSY: But crowd. do you know what this means. I'm not a moron.  
  
CROWD: I wouldn't say that. you just now know how to cook an egg.  
  
MISSY: OK. now the recipe says. Uhmmm. What's a SoopDragon?  
  
CROWD: Why?  
  
MISSY: Well. it says that after I get the egg cooked I'm supposed to stir in the sock of the SoopDragon.  
  
CROWD: Hmmmm. let me check the Internet to see if there is anything about it.  
  
MISSY: Did you find anything?  
  
CROWD: Nothing specific. but I know a guy that might be able to answer the question, we can go see him in a little bit.  
  
***Cut Scene  
  
FU: No no no. this is all wrong. These moronic simpletons are not supposed to know about the SoopDragon. If they tear him apart to make the dishes that I am to feed to him in order to use him to take over the world he will be useless.  
  
(Hot chick wearing a cave girl outfit enters the room. The part of the Hot Chick in a cave Girl outfit will be played by Samantha Mumba)  
  
HOT CHICK WEARING A CAVE GIRL OUTFIT: Oh, master, you seemed stressed. here. let me rub you down with oil. would you like that?  
  
FU: YEEEEEEEEeesss!!!  
  
(commercial break) 


	6. Episode 6

Day 6... Today on "When the Hairy Cankle Turns". guest write Mack Ferouac.  
  
Krystahl's back room.  
  
Krystahl speaks to the man before him, The man called Jeezus, But really what is in a name We could call him rose, or Hal And the man would still be him Sitting in front of Krystahl.  
  
KRYSTAHL: Bunnys This is what I can offer But that, that is a gift Deeper than the sea Could dream to be For within each of the Bunnys three There lies a magic, a dream  
  
(Editor's notes. The Beatnik who was writing this was shot and killed at his 1920's typewriter before getting any further in the story. the rest of today's script will be finished by cartoon scripter Manny Santiago)  
  
JEEZUS: Bunnys are funnys meester Krystahls  
  
THE BUNNYS: Deed Jew knows wee can talk meester Jeezus???  
  
JEEZUS: Montilanegro. Thee Bunnees. they can tahlk!  
  
KRYSTAHL: And such meester Jeezus ees the magik ov zee bunnees!  
  
(Editors note. Manny just ran into a few problems with INS and will be unable to finish today's script. Ten-year old Harvey Weinenberger will now be filling in)  
  
Jeezums" Hi bunny. my hair is ugly  
  
Bunnys& but we help sir  
  
Jeezums. I leik boobies!  
  
BUNNYs : uss too!!!!!!  
  
JEEzus: Boob boob boob boob fart fart fart fart boob  
  
Bunnys: yeah jeezus funny boob bbooob!  
  
(Editor's notes: Uhhh. that didn't seem to work out too well. we hope you will enjoy this test pattern we have prepared for you. Until next time on "As the Hairy Cankle Turns". stay well. and shave your cankles!) 


	7. Episode 7 The Journey

Part 7 - The Journey  
  
(Editor's notes: The actors for the next scene were unavailable at the time of taping, so we got some cheap illustrator to draw cheesy pictures, and had Mr. Rogers read the narration and pretend to do all of the voices.)  
  
They had covered much ground, this pair of traveling sisters. Over hill, over dell, they had hit the dusty trail. They had faced many challenges, but together, these two had overcome great obstacles to get where they were.  
  
They were tired, hungry, and irritated with each other. Despite all of this, they had to press on. The answers to so many questions lie beyond the ridge, and with that was the chance of taking the billion-dollar prize at the competition.  
  
Southerngirl said, "There it is. That is the beginning of the path up the mountain to the cave of the Dreaded Soop Dragon."  
  
LilBit hurried along the ground toward the paths beginning, dragging her sister shouting, "Come on, come on."  
  
As they were about to take their first step on the path, they were greeted by a creature that is too grotesque to describe in French... so... I'll do it in English.  
  
He was thinner than a skeleton with pale white skin glimmering in the moonlight. His eyes were vacant, like the eyes of an American who is trying to figure out what some British bastard just said.  
  
With a voice that boomed like a squeaky mouse hitting puberty the creature said, "I am Form52, guardian of the path. I shall rip your spleen from your body and spill your soul on the ground."  
  
Southerngirl couldn't help but giggle. She had picked up some Poppy weed along their travels and had been snacking all along the way.  
  
(For those of you that have no idea, poppy weed is catnip for Bitc... ummm... witches. Enough Poppy weed would render a witch positively goofy)  
  
LilBit just started to whine, "But weeee neeeeeed to get up the paaaaaaath!"  
  
"There is but one way to get passed the guardian of the path," Form said.  
  
"Hell no... It's too fuckin cold to be taking off my shirt," Southerngirl blurted out.  
  
"Uhm... not exactly what I had in mind... but now that you ment..."  
  
"What, what is it... we need to get on the path!" LilBit interrupted.  
  
Form cleared is throat and unrolled a scroll and began to read: "Travelers requesting access to the path shall be turned away by the guardian, unless they can complete a task. The task is one of great difficulty, and thus, anyone who can complete this task shall be deemed worthy enough to walk on the path."  
  
"Southerngirl just snorted and said, "Well... what the hell we gotta do?"  
  
Form just smiled and said, "You must put one foot up and hop around on one leg."  
  
Southerngirl began to lift her leg and stopped short, "Uh... nope... ain't gonna happen."  
  
Before she could continue LilBit whipped her leg behind her head and began hopping around like a Terry Fox version of an ADD suffering kangaroo on crack after four Grande mocha lattes from Starbucks.  
  
Southerngirl began giggling hysterically, "You want some poppy weed?"  
  
Form also laughing, "Sure."  
  
"So, how long does she have to do this?" Southerngirl asked  
  
"Weeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeee, Look at meeeeeeeee!" LilBit said as she hopped past her sister and the guardian.  
  
"Eh... I dunno... I was making all of that up... see, the scroll is blank. I'll tell her she can stop now," Form smiled.  
  
"Nah... let her go... I need a breather anyway. She'll run out of steam in a few hours."  
  
With that, the two sat on the grassy knoll and enjoyed some fresh Poppy weed as LilBit hopped around with one leg behind her head in the shadow of the moon. 


	8. Episode 8 Death by Metaphor

Part 8 Death by Metaphor  
  
The cool damp air whipped across the meadow and splashed across their faces like the back of a pimp's hand. The darkness rose from the ground like a zombie in a bad Wes Craven movie, but was beaten back down into submission by the glimmering brilliance of the moon. The trees in the distance danced in the breeze like a stripper that is trying to convince some poor drunken schlub that he should pay the twenty dollar special price that would get him a glass of champagne and a lap dance, so that she can pay for her cell phone this month.  
  
The adventure thus far had been pretty mundane and uneventful, like a party where the guest list includes only accountants, furniture salesmen, and insurance agents. The moment the group entered the clearing in the meadow, they all knew things were about to change, like when you buy the TV Guide that has all the previews of the upcoming fall line up and out of the fifty two shows that the networks are going to try to shove down your throat there are one or two that show real promise, well, enough promise that you will look forward to buying the full season collection on DVD in a few months or going on the Internet and downloading pirated copies of the show.  
  
Spinner and her pint sized melon headed manservant had entered an unholy merger with the Dego Three in order to increase their chances of taking the coveted prize at the party that was three short months away. The agreement was of the same ilk as the odd love connection between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, especially when you take into consideration all of the strange demands the stupid bitch put on the "actor" who is still in a fight for his life with the horrible condition known as alcohol dependency.  
  
The group, having the ruthless firepower that could take down a small army like that rented by the Vatican to protect every entrance into the facade of a Holy Place, and the cooking skill that rivaled the conglomeration of every white coated creator that had ever graced the stage of Iron Chef, was still worried that they didn't have what it took to win the big prize. Spinner had suggested that they go and acquire a flake of skin from the Dreaded Soop Dragon and mix it in her best dish.  
  
The legend has it that when a Soop Dragon's skin touches an eggplant, a mysterious and magical chemical reaction takes place. It produces a taste that is unfathomable by those that had never had the glorious privilege to put the concoction in their mouths. Spinner said it would all but guarantee a victory.  
  
Flanked by her new alliance, she felt quite secure... that was until she stepped into the clearing in the woods.  
  
Like a little girl who has spent half her life being beaten on a daily basis by her drunken father who is also a crack addict, Spinner was afraid of the impending doom that rode across the wind and up her spine.  
  
Without a word being spoken, RJ dropped his duffel bag on the ground and pulled out several weapons. One by one he began loading them up, like an ex- marine communist sympathizer on the top floor of a book depository. TTony and Joey followed suit, preparing for any creature that had the audacity to stand between them and the promise of untold wealth.  
  
With all the action around him, C-bring just stood there drooling like Peter Townsend at St. Mary's Catholic School all boy swim meet. He let out a few belches and foul explosions of gas, but other than a few grotesque bodily functions, he was frozen in silence by fear.  
  
The group reached the middle of the clearing and they began to hear footsteps. Not just normal footsteps that they could write off as a small woodland creature or a few bandits roaming around in the woods. These were earth-rumbling footsteps. The dirt under the group rattled with each step that came, like when you are stuck at a red light next to some home boy wanna-be that was allowed to use daddy's credit card at the car stereo place and he's pumping out some Miami Bass invasion hit by the Gucci Crew.  
  
The three gunmen went into protection mode, surrounding Spinner and preparing to fire at the first sign of whatever it is that was making the noise.  
  
Like a bolt of lightening, an object dashed towards them and took Ttony's gun. Before anyone could even blink the object had disappeared into the other side of the woods. And the footsteps continued.  
  
Moments later, a little girl's giggle echoed across the meadow. When it was silent again, aside from the horrific footsteps, the object flew past the crew again. When it had hidden itself back in the woods a second time, Joey's guns were gone.  
  
A third time, the object dashed out of the trees and around the group. This time it had taken RJ's guns and left the group completely disarmed.  
  
A rotund shadow peered at them from the woods as the footsteps came to a halt. The object dashed toward the shadow and rested by what appeared to be the shadow casters feet.  
  
The object and the shadow caster began to slowly move toward the center of the opening where the group was standing.  
  
In a booming, yet jolly voice, the huge behemoth introduced his partner.  
  
"This peppy little tart is GhettoStripper. She is faster than the blink of an eye and more deadly than the Ebola virus in an African village that believes that medical advances are from a devil like creature that will consume the entire village if they use any medicine."  
  
Ghettostripper let out a small giggle and smiled. "And this hunk-a-hunka- burning love is MyBig. He is more powerful than a North Korean Thermonuclear weapon, and more huggable than Louie Anderson at an all gay bath house in San Francisco."  
  
MyBig looked at little shocked at his introduction, but began addressing the group. "This is my... errr... OUR forest. As well as this... this is our meadow. You... people," The disdain was heavy in his voice, "are trespassing. We require retribution."  
  
The four gentleman around Spinner were on the verge of pissing themselves like a three year old at his first day of Day Care in a low income housing area, so she was forced to speak up.  
  
"We are on our way to the top of Testosterone Mountain to obtain a flake of skin from the dreaded Soop Dragon. We will soon be out of your forest."  
  
"Look Chickie... did you not hear what he said," GhettoStripper said with a vicious glare in her eyes.  
  
MyBig continued, "We require the sacrifice of the life of one of the members of your group. This dwarfed version of Don Rickles on crack with the piss stained pants and slobber dangling from his chin should be a nice addition to my collection. I have yet to fill in my space I have saved for Cro-Magnum man."  
  
Joey said, "Sounds good."  
  
Ttony followed, "I'm ok wit dat!"  
  
RJ finished, "If that's what you need," and he pulled out his knife.  
  
Spinner shouted, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I cannot let you take the life of C-bring. He may be a half-witted simpleton, he may have a foul, foul odor, he may cause feelings of intense hatred and violent tendencies, he may even suck the intelligence out of every room he enters, but he is my man servant, and I need him."  
  
Ttony replied, "Aw com-mon lady."  
  
Joey added, "Are you nuts, funnzagoon!"  
  
RJ finished, "We're off scott-free if we whack the little bastard."  
  
Spinner began crying, "I can't... I just can't let him die. He's... he's... he's the one that actually cooks all of my dishes. I have him cook and tell people it was my cooking cause no one would ever eat anything that he had cooked because they were afraid he had drooled or snotted in whatever he was cooking, not to mention he is constantly picking his ass, so the health inspectors would have shut the diner down."  
  
"Well," MyBig shrugged, "I need someone to die or you all die. It's in the rulebook.  
  
"What if I showed you my panties... they have shiny stuff on them," Spinner offered.  
  
MyBig smiled widely, "Well sweetass, you got yourself a deal."  
  
Shortly, the group was on the way again, with two knew friends in tow. They each knew that although the trip had been difficult so far, what was up ahead was going to be hard and difficult, like a Swedish male porn star trying to actually "feel" what the Pizza Boy was feeling despite it being the fifty-third take and the director telling him to just shut up and fuck! 


	9. Episode 9 Road Trippin

Part 9 ---Road Trippin'---  
Her weary head swam in confusion. Despite being completely exhausted, her head tumbled and fumbled on the pillow. So many questions rang in her head like tattered old church bells.  
  
What was this Soop Dragon? Who was this man with all the answers? Would this plot be successful? Exactly how do you cook an egg?  
  
She came to grip with the fact that, in good time, these questions would be answered, but that did little to stop her mind rumbling along like a freight train. She could not find peace at this moment; therefore she could not rest easy.  
  
It was well into the early morning before she finally collapsed into sleep.  
  
The dawn greeted her harshly with blinding light and shook her from her slumber. Today, Tigerlily would have her questions answered.  
  
Her dashing roommate was packed and ready to go by the time her tiny feet hit the bottom step. He seemed anxious and preoccupied. There was a hint of seriousness in his movements. This was a rare emotional state for him.  
  
"Crowd?" she began.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What happens when we get all of the answers?"  
  
"More than likely, it will open the door to more questions," he stated with an error of wisdom. (Editor's note. we sent this back telling the writer he had screwed up, but he insisted it was a subtle joke. Whatever!)  
  
They loaded everything they would need for the trip in the trusty Shit Brown 2.1 liter four cylinder Mustang POS special edition crowd-mobile, grabbed some piping hot 7-11 coffee with loads of sugar and French Vanilla creamer, and headed off down the road.  
  
Each knew where the other's mind was, and were kind to each other by using distracting conversation to keep sane.  
  
The highway was brutal. Ever since the events that have been named in all of the papers as "The Ring of Fire", the streets had been torn to shreds and borderline impossible to travel on. Lucky for them, George had modified the engine and Double-Oh Timmy had modified the transmission to handle the horrid conditions of the roads.  
  
There was a portion of the trip that they drove in complete silence. Each one was preparing their minds for what they would find ahead. Missy broke the silence.  
  
"Who are we going to see?"  
  
Crowd cleared his throat, "Do you remember the legend of the Knights of the Pound Table?"  
  
"You mean we're going to see Don Quixote???"  
  
"Not exactly. the gentleman we are going to see was one of those Knights. He is a man that can answer most any question; he is a man who is consumed by the pursuit of knowledge. So much that it has harshly affected his brain. and his libido! His name. is Mr. Radio." At that moment an explosion caused the car to swerve into the side of a hill and topple onto its side.  
  
The two travelers pulled themselves from the wreckage and glanced around. The sight of the scorched earth that lies outside of the city was a humbling vision. The dust and smoke mixed with the blazing sunlight to cast a mysterious haze over the entire area. From the smell of low grade octane spilled everywhere, crowd knew in an instant that this was Road Warrior territory.  
  
"Grab the stuff and be quick about it. we need to find some shelter until we get some new wheels," he barked.  
  
Tigerlily scooped up all thirteen suitcases and headed toward the hill. Crowd stood in silence, listening to the wind. He was trying to catch a hint of where the attack came from and where he could expect the next one would take place.  
  
Like the excruciating sound of a 5 am alarm clock, the sound of engines ripped through the sky in a deafening orchestra of death and despair. The attack was coming in from right in front of him. The only sounds that could be heard over the blaring engines were Tigerlily's shrieks of terror and an evil ominous laughter.  
  
(. to be continued.) 


	10. Episode 10 Cat Fight

The actor strike is over... the staff is back and ready...  
  
Without further ado...  
  
Part Ten Cat Fight  
  
(When we last left the Fabulous Four, Mike was in a Coma, Jen was dating Brad Pitt, LoonE2N was bouncing off the wall, and Synch was gathering them up to head out looking for the dreaded SoopDragon. They have been walking for three days now...)  
  
SYNCH: LOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: LOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEE? HEEELLLLOOOOOOOOO???  
  
SYNCH: Where the hell did she go?  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: Hellif I know... Ummm... can you carry Mike for a while... he's kind of heavy after a few miles.  
  
SYNCH: I told you we should have left him at the penthouse. Make Brad carry him.  
  
(Thanks to special persuasive measures, Brad Pitt agreed to play the part of Brad Pitt)  
  
BRAD PITT: Oh... thorry, but I'd butht a nail... I juth had them buffed latht week.  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: Brad... why do you have a listhp? Thit... I have a lithsp too.  
  
SYNCH: Thtop fooling awound. Uh no.  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: AAHHAHAA... THynk hath a lythsp too.  
  
BRAD PITT: You girlth thound funny.  
  
(A figure appears through the dust on top of a rock ahead of the group)  
  
KLINGONCHICK: AHA! The thpethul gath hath worked... oh thit... I got to closth! You... You three carrying the corpsth! Hand over you casth and there will be no trouble.  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: Uh... Thynk... we have a visthitor.  
  
SYNCH: Thisth isth not good. We thtill need to Find LoonE2N.  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: What thould we do?  
  
KLINGONCHICK: You thould thut the fuck up and hand over the casth.  
  
(Que blaring hero music... Brad Pitt is cowering in Jen's breasts.)  
  
LOONE2N: How's bout I just KICK YO ASS... Bitch!  
  
KLINGONCHICK: What'th thisth? You're not lithsping???  
  
LOONE2N: I was off behind a bush peeing when you released that silent but deadly gas bomb, you Hoe!  
  
KLINGONCHICK: Isth it really neth-uh-thary to usth all the inthultsth? Let'th Justh battle, and after I kill your skinny asth... I will take the casth.  
  
LOONE2N: Let's just say... I'm gonna fuck you up!  
  
COOLGIRLJEN: Have you notithed, LOONE isth kinda calm.  
  
SYNCH: theesth in terminator mode!  
  
(LoonE2N and KlingOnChick fly into the air racing towards each other. KlingonChick pulls out a multitude of weapons, however LoonE2N's catlike reflexes and Ninja moves allow her to avoid damage. They are tangled up throwing fists and kicking when there is a huge explosion in the spot where they are.)  
  
(Fade to black.)  
COOLGIRLJEN: Necktht time we do a listhp theene... it better be a latteral listhp! Fucker! 


	11. Episode 11 Just a Teenage Death Squad

As The Hairy Cankle Turns Part 11  
  
Just a Teenage Death Squad Baby... Like you...  
  
The land is harsh and barren. Ever since the incredible battle that took place long ago, things on this planet have been different. The "Ring of Fire" that engulfed the City of Orlando several years ago killed off most of the immigrant hospitality industry workers and the orange pickers. Vegetation was scarce, and the people fed on black-socked white-legged English men that got stuck here during the mass exodus.  
  
Anarchy ruled for a few months. That was before the food supply ran out. A couple of the elders tried to form tribes, but the young resistance that formed was too powerful and too strong willed. It was like "Lord of the Flies" run amok.  
  
The teenagers ruled the land with heavy firepower and a willingness to blow the heads off anyone who dared to defy them. They squashed all opposition with use of the death squads.  
  
Battles raged and tore up what was left of any livable housing. People were forced to seek shelters in caves that were created by sinkholes and explosions. City buses, parking garages, even the ancient ruins of the Hard Rock Live... anywhere that people could bog down in for a little rest and a hiding place from the death squads.  
  
Before reaching a state of enlightenment, Nos... then known as Nosforatu, the Bringer of Blackness, was the leader of the strongest faction of the Death Squads. Rumors were spreading through out the land that he would soon take over control of the newly formed government.  
  
The government that formed in the wake of the great battle and following age of anarchy was one based on fear. Nos had found a way to tap into that fear and use it against the ruling class itself. He was preparing for a civil war that would end with him ruling the land. That was until he met the Oracle... but that is a story for another day.  
  
Nos's group was incredibly vicious. They had many encounters that ended in blood stained concrete and body parts strewn across the scenery. One such encounter was in the area where Boca Raton once stood. He was sent to recruit a young soldier. He and his group were also tasked to convince a few retirement communities to pay homage to the new government.  
  
The group picked up Puffy, an oxymoron of a killing machine. A killer that giggles and smiles right before shredding her victims in a horrible bloodbath. They introduced her to the way of the new world. Her first taste of blood came at the Happy Sunset Retirement Community.  
  
There were thirty people that had survived the destruction, and were trying to pass on their knowledge of the way things used to be. The new government wanted this to end.  
  
The group walked slowly up to the door. The air around them came to a sudden halt. Silence engulfed the area. The sun winked down at them. For several long moments the Earth stood still. Everything, the clouds, the dust, the universe seemed to freeze in an eternal pose. The... all hell broke loose.  
  
CPK shattered the door with his fist and the entire group flew through the door. in a matter of three seconds, fifteen of the elders were lying breathless on the floor. Beastie girl strangled three women trying to run out the back door. Tyler Durden unloaded a fury of arrows through the hearts of six of the people he found in back room.  
  
CPK used his bare hands to extract the lungs and various other internal organs of four of the old folks her found crawling up the stairs.  
  
The Two remaining people were cowering on the floor in front of Nos. Puffy stood beside him and smiled like a young child on Christmas morning. The rest of the group fell in behind Nos.  
  
NOS: You see Puffy, this... THIS is how we control these god-damned sheep. These pathetic excuses for carbon based life forms. For too long we had to endure their ways, because they had control. The berated us with their simplistic and dulling ways. For too long we suffered the plight of their unwillingness to admit that they were wrong. Now... now, look at them. Look at what they have become. Cowering fearful little piss ants. These creatures I hold in the highest of disdain. I feel ill just having them in my presence. One day soon we shall eliminate this infection from the world. One day soon this viral trash will not even be a memory. They are a cosmic joke that has created the world that we are now reshaping. They felt so superior and they made us pay the price for it... but now... THEY SHALL ALL PAY IN BLOOD!!!  
  
And now... we have come to a crossroads for you. There are two very simplistic choices to make. You can join them, these retched souls cowering in fear on the floor, or you can join us and eliminate them all.  
  
Puffy's eyes were wide and filled with sick pleasure.  
  
The two before them were a man and a wife that had spent thirty years together. They had formed the small faction of rebels in order to fight against the new government.  
  
Nos grabbed the old man by the collar.  
  
NOS: Okay old man. We seem to have come to a crossroads for you as well. You can tell me where the other rebels are, or you can see your wife die an agonizing death.  
  
(The part of Old Man will be played by Makali Kaulkin)  
  
OLD MAN: I'll never tell the likes of you. You only want to destroy all that is good.  
  
CPK: Would you shut the fuck up mutha fucka... either spill it, or we fucking spill you... or something.  
  
NOS: Puff... here's your chance.  
  
Puffy giggled like a resident at an insane asylum. She skipped over to the woman and picked her up by the throat with on hand. With her other hand she grabbed the woman's arm at the elbow.  
  
PUFFY: Say the word Boss.  
  
NOS: OK old man... It's D-Day... what's it going to be.  
  
(The Part of Old Lady will be played by Bea Arthur)  
  
OLD LADY: Don't do it Harold.  
  
OLD MAN: We'll see you in hell!  
  
NOS: Oooooooh... this is going to be cool. Uhm... might want to step back so you don't get any on your shoe. Alrighty Puff.. show them what you can do.  
  
With that, Puffy slowly began pulling the old woman's arm. First there was a popping noise that was followed by a haunting scream of pain from the old woman that echo throughout the valley. The scream continued, but you could still hear the ripping sound as Puffy severed the lady's arm from her body.  
  
NOS: Okay old man... shall we stop.  
  
OLD MAN: OK OK OK... the base is where the Benny Hinn church used to be... all the leaders are meeting there next week.  
  
NOS: Awww... how sweet. Too bad you wasted my fucking time. Finish it Puff.  
  
Puffy began beating the woman with her own arm. The woman's screams bounced off every wall until the final cracking sound of her skull silenced her forever.  
  
The old man stood there sobbing in his hands apologizing to his dead wife.  
  
CPK: Hey... old dude... ever see you liver?  
  
OLD MAN: Wha... What?  
  
CPK shoved his fist up the old man's ass and grabbed a hold of his liver and pulled it back out the same hole.  
  
CPK: I said... DID YOU EVER SEE YOUR LIVER. Oh... guess you have now... FUCKER!  
  
With that, Nos pulled a cigarette out of his dust-covered jacket and lit it. He puffed on it a couple of times and turned to his group.  
  
NOS: Next week, we will finish of this pile of rubbish and rid the world of this shit. No more will we suffer the indignity of sharing our air with these pathetic fools. We cleanse the Earth in their blood. Then, when our mission is accomplished, we will head back to the base to take our rightful place at the head of the table.  
  
They indeed to complete the mission and wiped out the remaining rebels. It was a horrible display much like the one just described.  
  
When they returned to base, they found that there had already been an eternal struggle and everyone from the new government was dead. They were the last of their breed, and they were setting off to take over control of the world.  
  
That is where we came in when we first met them.  
  
(Fade to black) 


	12. Episode 12 Gut Check

With special thanks to Owen for the story idea.  
  
As The Hairy Cankle Turns Part 12  
  
Gut Check  
  
They had been traveling along the riverbed for what seemed miles upon miles. In truth, it had been only fifty feet, but it took forever because even though Redman had his Lark beefed up, it was still extremely slow.  
  
The mist hung heavy over the riverbanks. It was thick. Thick like pea soup, which is probably a lost metaphor since no one in their right mind would even know what the hell pea soup is.  
  
The group was coming to a dead end along the river. They had reached a part of Sullivan River where it passes between Mount Tina and Mount Doris. Long before the battle, the landscape in Orlando was flat, but the battle changed everything from the people to the very make up of the land.  
  
The twin pair of mountains were treacherous and enormous. Their only way to get past them was to go between them. But that is where Sullivan River flowed. The water was foul and poisonous. It was inhabited by some of the most frightening creatures to evolve on this world.  
  
The Savannah, a bottom feeding giant shark like creature could tear a man apart in a matter of seconds. The Dirty Catfish were an abomination. They were catfish that had grown whiskers strong and sharp. They used them to skewer their victims. Legend has it that they will let the meat rot on their whiskers for weeks before they feed on them. This is one of many explanations for the green appearance of their teeth.  
  
There live many more hideous creatures in the pocket of Sullivan River, such as the goatfish, the Bean, and the Wilson. Each has its own story of evolution gone wrong.  
  
The weary travelers sat at the basin of the twin mountains on the coast of Sullivan River trying to devise a plan to continue their quest. Meanwhile, high atop Mount Tina, there were others that had plans for the group below.  
  
CPK: I fucking can't fucking believe this shit. Nos was the fucking leader that was the fucking way it was. I'm fucking bored and we haven't fucking killed any one in fucking months.  
  
PUFFY: Well Nos is gone, the fucking wuss couldn't handle it and he's fucking gone.  
  
BEASTIE: I'd suggest watching your fucking mouth when you talk about Nos. CPK was kinda fond of the guy, and he was the leader.  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Shit... I think I left my papers back at the cave... anyone got any papers?  
  
PUFFY: Well... he's gone... anyone dispute that fact? And he chose me for a reason. Simply put... I'm a badass.  
  
CPK: Fucking A... so you can pull limbs off of people... try fucking pulling out internal organs.  
  
PUFFY: Yeah... diving into asses is something I would be jealous of.  
  
CPK: You want me to fucking kill you right now? Huh... It's been months since I fucking off'ed someone and I've had that fucking itch.  
  
BEASTIE: Would you two fucking calm down? I'm sure there is someone out there that we can kill. We just have to keep looking. And we don't really need a leader, I mean, Nos was in charge cause it was kinda cool busting into someone's place and standing above them while they shivered in fear on the floor. Then Nossy would start on one of his long tirades and stuff, talking on and on and on... it as like foreplay and stuff and just built the excitement before we popped a cap in someone's ass. Other than that we kinda all were in charge, which is the way it should be now cause without Nos... we only have each other. As little compensation as that may seem right now, I'm sure it will prove to be more valuable than you will ever know in a chapter in our lives that is yet to be written.  
  
PUFFY: Whoa!  
  
CPK: Whoa!  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Hey guys. How cool would it be to kill a chubby dude on a motorized wagon, a strange looking guy that is probably gay and another weird guy that is more than likley bi-curious given enough alcohol and the right situation.  
  
PUFFY, CPK, BEASTIE: WHAT???  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Come over here and look. Here, use my binoculars. Down there.  
  
CPK: Well Yippy Kai Yay Muther fuckers  
  
PUFFY: Fucking Infidels... how fucking dare they try to pass. JIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!  
  
With that, Puffy leapt of the side of the mountain, twisting and tumbling in the air. She pulled a chord handing from between her legs and opened her nap-sack, releasing a parachute.  
  
BEASTIE: Stupid bitch. Well Chili... let's do it!  
  
TYLER DURDEN: Hey... wait up!  
  
All three followed Puffy down the side of the mountain. They all landed on a ledge about 200 feet above the travelers.  
Down Below...  
  
DARKONE: Did you see that?  
  
REDMAN: I know those markings. There was rumors of a clandestine group long ago that were killing machines. I bought some of their medals on ebay.  
  
FIRESITE: Would you two shut up. We need to figure out how to get around these mountains. The river is out of the question, since every piece of wood we stick on the surface dissolves in a matter of seconds.  
  
DARKONE: Are you not worried at all... I mean... there were four of them. There is only two of us.  
  
REDMAN: HEEEEEEEY!  
  
DARKONE: Okay... two of us and one of those.  
  
FIRESITE: I'm more concerned with getting over there. If we don't get over there, we will lose our chance at the money.  
Up on the ledge...  
  
CPK: FUCK!  
  
PUFFY: Well this sucks. My chute is torn to shred and we are still too high to jump the rest of the way down.  
  
BEASTIE: Well... I know it is not as good... but... we can attack from here. It will immobilize them... and then this cave behind us should lead to the base of the mountain. We can knock those three out long enough to hod them til we get down there. Then, we'll haul ass so we can get all up close and personal.  
  
TYLER DURDEN: I think I dropped my lighter on the way down.  
  
PUFFY: Not a bad idea... Chili... use your fist launcher... aim at the ground near them. The Fist grenade should be enough to knock them out for a good nap.  
  
CPK: K... but I haven't used this fucking thing in months... Ready... AIM... uhhhh... you guys might want to back up into the cave a bit... Just in case...  
  
BEASTIE: Remember... hit the ground near them.  
  
CPK: Fucking FIRE!!!  
  
Down Below:  
  
DARKONE: Did you hear that?  
  
FIRESITE: Oh... fucking... shit... EVERYBODY DOWN!!!!  
  
CPK's fist grenade flew through the air landing several feet away from Redman's feet. It came to a stop and just sat there.  
Up top...  
  
CPK: Fucking shit... a dud... the damn things got rusty.  
  
BEASTIE: Are you sure you set the timer right?  
  
CPK: Oh yeah... oops.  
  
Down Below...  
  
REDMAN: Guys... it's ticking  
  
DARKONE: We're all gonna diiiiiie. Hold me Firesite.  
  
FIRESITE: This sucks... and no... I am not going to die in the arms of another man.  
  
REDMAN: I'll save you guys!!!  
  
Redman begins lifting himself out of his wagon. He has made up his mind that today... he is going to be a hero.  
  
Up top...  
  
PUFFY: Well, damn... how long is the timer on that thing.  
  
CPK: Looks like that was set for like five minutes.  
  
BEASTIE: Well... let's get going. If we don't get lost in the maze of tunnels, it should still take us about a half an hour to get down there.  
Down Below...  
  
Redman runs as fast as he can and sits down on the grenade just as it explodes. The shrapnel and explosion rip through his internal organs and send his innards flying through the air covering the entire valley. It rains Redman guts for several minutes. pieces and parts cover the ground and surface of the river.  
  
FIRESITE: Wow. (blink) WOW! That was fucking cool.  
  
DARKONE: DAMN that was awesome.  
  
FIRESITE: Did you see how high his toe went? Damn that was cool.  
  
DARKSIDE: AHAHAHAA... Oh man, I wish I had a video camera... that was awesome!!!  
  
FIRESITE: I need to get one of those guns... that was so fucking cool!  
  
DARKONE: It's too bad about Redman huh?  
  
FIRESITE: Yeah... but that was too fucking cool man... damn that was cool.  
  
DARKONE: Eww... what the hell did he eat for breakfast.  
  
FIRESITE: Look at the poor bastard... he saved our lives you know.  
  
DARKONE: Yeah... but that was still fucking cool.  
  
Redman was slump over on the ground. He had been completely gutted. He was hollowed out like a tree trunk used by Indians as a canoe.  
  
FIRESITE: Hey... Darkie... look in the water.  
  
DARKONE: He's not dissolving... he's not sinking...  
  
FIRESITE: Oh my god... The fucker is going to save us again.  
  
DARKONE: Redman Boat?  
  
FIRESITE: Redman Boat!!!  
  
The two blood-splattered friends slide the Redman carcass into the water and tested his buoyancy. Like Noah's ark, The SS Redman was unsinkable. They grabbed his severed arms, hopped on board, and paddled down the river between the mountains...  
  
off to Testosterone Mountain...  
  
off to capture the SoopDragon...  
  
off to claim their desitiny.  
(Fade to Black) 


	13. Episode 13 Season Finale An Oracle's Tal...

As The Hairy Cankle Turns Part 13  
  
The Oracle's Tale  
  
Many things have come to pass in the years since the world was uprooted from its peaceful existence. Since the day the evil was put to rest, the human race has changed. Many tribes of people emerged, each gaining certain talents, powers, and gifts.  
  
(Scene: Inside a large armored SUV. D is driving with her playthings sitting side by side in the back seat.)  
  
WEBHEAD: Mistress... Blowinup is on my side.  
  
BLOWINUP: No, I'm not. He's just being a baby cause I know how to update Microsoft's SQL to prevent a worm program from infesting the server and causing it to crash and he doesn't.  
  
WEBHEAD: That is so not true... Blowinup, Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.  
  
D: Would the two of you please shut your traps... It's hard enough driving on this god forsaken road without me having to pull over, pull your pants down and whip your asses right here on the side of the road... besides... I was saving that for later.  
  
BLOWINUP: Sorry... he's just so sensitive about his lack of skills and he is jealous.  
  
WEBHEAD: Sorry D. I'll kill you later Blowinup.  
  
D: We're almost there.  
  
The roads were nothing like they once were. Once they were smooth and packed full of cars. In the world today they are mere shadows of the circulatory system that fed the city. It was also rare to find another vehicle anywhere near downtown. The city was infested with Butchfisters, a small, vicious creature that attacked in packs, devouring any living thing they can find.  
  
But, sometimes there were a few brave souls that would face the odds in order to seek out the Oracle. Of those that survived the events that changed the Earth, the Oracles were the most revered. They had knowledge of both the past and the future. They were sought out but lost souls looking for a purpose.  
  
As the years rolled on, bandits, outlaws, and those that attempted to rule the land eliminated all but one of the Oracles. It was once written: "in order to shepard the sheep, you must keep them from the truth speakers. The most effective means... kill the truth speakers."  
  
Of the tribe that had gained the gift of sight, sight beyond our world, only one remained.  
D: Okay kids... were here.  
  
BLOWINUP: Can I get a lollipop?  
  
WEBHEAD: Hee... FAG!  
  
BLOWINUP: What ever simpleton!  
  
D: Listen you little shits. I am going to go talk to a very important lady. I don't want to be embarrassed. If you so much as sneeze, there will be hell to pay.  
(The door to the building creaks open.)  
  
BETTEROFFHERE: Welcome  
  
D: Hi, I'm...  
  
BETTEROFFHERE: D, and you are here to seek the wisdom of the Oracle.  
  
D: Wow.  
  
BETTEROFFHERE: I am BetterOffHere  
  
D: After putting up with these two... so am I.  
  
BETTEROFFHERE: Climb the stairs to the left... she is waiting for you.  
  
(D and the boys climb the winding stairs that take them to the inner sanctum of the Oracle. It is plush with red velvet tapestry. The purple couch is covered with neon green pillows that are shaped like anatomically correct gingerbread men. The giant glass table holds a cavalcade of half melted candles.)  
  
BLOWINUP: Wow... it looks like Webbie's interior decorator threw up in here.  
  
WEBHEAD: I am so gonna kick your ass.  
  
D: Shhhhhhhhh  
  
(From behind a sheer black curtain Astrogirl appears. She is dressed like Mari Osmond with a huge collar and shiny white patent leather shoes. She has a giant gold medallion dangling between her breasts.)  
  
ASTROGIRL: Hey D, what's up girl. Sheeeeeee... You lookin good girl!  
  
D: Astrogirl??? Wow, we all thought you.. uh... well... Good to see you.  
  
ASTROGIRL: Damn honey... lotsa peeps be thinkin I be dead... It bettah that ways for securities. Lots o' fukkers be buggin and shit tryins to kills me. But I still a boot in dey ass... sheeeee... ain't no one gonna fuk wit me and gets away wit it. Have a seat home girl. Whatch'choo be wantin ta know.  
  
D: You? You're the Oracle?  
  
ASTROGIRL: Don't be frontin Home girl... I always be havin that special giff... aftah da whirl sploded... I got... betteh visions.  
  
D: Well... ok... I need to know how to beat Spinner. I need to know how to cook a dish that will finally beat Spinner and shut her up for good. It's a small thing really... and I'll split the prize with you.  
  
ASTROGIRL: Sheeeee... sound goods ta me! Aaaaight... now... Some time it be hard fors me to pinspoint a Pacific think... so's bares wit me...  
  
(Astrogirl leaned far back on the couch entering a higher state of consciousness... and also exposing a little cleavage which neither Webhead nor BlowinUp failed to notice.)  
  
ASTROGIRL:  
  
What you seek is a pinnacle moment in time. The fulcrum on which the balance of the entire universe balances upon. The journey, the past, the future, and the existence of the universe all lie within the answer to your question... follow my thoughts, and hear my words.  
  
Throughout the ages there has been a struggle for power. Men, women, and gods a like. For eons there has been one truth to these battles. There have always been two sides. One dark, the other light, one good, the other evil.  
  
Many years ago, that balance was lost. A ring of fire engulfed the word and banished the evil. Good was triumphant, but at what cost? The world was forever changed.  
  
Light was victorious, but much dimmer than it once was. Chaos, anarchy, and confusion ruled the world. Factions rose out of the ashes. Black and white were nothing but unending greys.  
  
Murder, deceit, Boysenberry pies, and cars made in India. Mother Earth is lost and wandering around in the darkness.  
  
Darkness was banished from her soil, but he is waiting to return. This time though, the outcome will be different. Once good men stood together to battle evil. Once, all the great warriors stood side by side.  
  
Now, they fight each other. Evil will return... but this time, the price is much much higher.  
  
There is now, several factions converging on a destination. They are but pawns in a bigger game. These factions battle each other out of spite and greed. They seek the mythical SoopDragon for the power to woo and please. They hunger for a victory that is shallow and meaningless... especially when you take into consideration the state of the economy and inflation and the taxes the little bastards with the death squads take... a billion bucks ain't all that much.  
  
The next level are those that are hiding in the shadows, thinking they are puppet masters. Those that are waiting for the sheep to do the dirty work. They seek the ultimate power of the mystical SoopDragon in order to produce fear and loyalty in the rest of the world so they can fulfill a dream of power and control. However, they themselves are only puppets.  
  
One level further and we see the evil beings that have been waiting for their triumphant return to Earth. Banishment is a cruel and bitter drink. They seek to punish those that have kept them from their home. Vegas is giving odds (+25 Good Guys, -37 Bad Guys) on this one... it seems that while the good was scattered and childish, Evil was focused and in training.  
  
And still... oh... I grow weak... and still there is... so tired... there is still one more... I can...............  
  
(Astrogirl falls into a coma like slumber.)  
  
BETTEROFFHERE: She has traveled far and wide on the astral plane... you must leave at once.  
  
D: Uhm... SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO COOK FOR THE PARTY!?!?!!  
(CUT TO NEXT SEASON TRAILER) 


	14. Season 2 Preview

In a world torn asunder by battle...  
  
Try not to close your eyes...  
  
(cue Very fast and loud music with lots of drums stuff) (quick action sequence of nipple and leather glad ninja chicks wrestling in oil)  
  
The Cankle has turned... and it's just starting to heat up.  
NOS: One more step... and it's good-bye Chicago!  
  
BIGGER EXPLOSIONS  
  
D: How'd you like a butcher knife to the nuts!  
  
MORE VIOLENCE  
  
DARTH: How about just killing Hooper... bring his wife to me.  
  
TWISTEDER PLOTS  
  
HOT BLONDE TWINS IN EYE PATCHES: Oh... Hi Mr. Fu... Going....... Down!  
  
HOTTER SEX  
  
CPK: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  
AS THE HAIRY CANKLE TURNS... Season Two on Cinemax... it beats the shit out of stories about a Duck!  
LILBIT: Hee hee hee... I killed him... Cool! 


	15. Season 2 Episode 1 The Last Oracle?

AS THE HAIRY CANKLE TURNS SEASON 2 EPISODE 1  
  
The Last Oracle?  
  
ENTER A ROOM WHICH IS SPARSELY LIT. THERE IS A RED GLOW BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS FROM A CANDLE ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM. A FIGURE SITTING BY THE CANDLE CASTS A HUGE SHADOW ALL AROUND THE ROOM.  
  
ISOL8D: So... all the sheep are being herded, are they... excellent!  
  
MAMA JUGGS: The origami crows have been following all of the players.  
  
ISOL8D: King's rook to queen five... so to speak.  
  
MAMA JUGGS (Blank stare)  
  
ISOL8D: It's a chess reference. It means... oh forget it. Everything I WANT to happen, is happening as it should.  
  
MAMA JUGGS: Good. Does this mean I can take some time off to play with some of my toys?  
  
ISOL8D: Foul wench... we still have much work to do and the Oracle will be here soon!  
  
MAMA JUGGS: You know... this really sucks... why couldn't I get a part like D... she has guys in leather G-strings prancing around all over creation, she has a kick ass mansion... and I'm stuck in this dark cave with some freak who gets more pleasure folding paper than juggling my bazoomers.  
  
ISOL8D: When this is all taken care of you will be well satisfied. My origami soldiers will see to that.  
  
CUT SCENE  
  
HIGH ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP IN TIBET DREAMER AND NOS ARE SHARING A PIPE.  
  
DREAMER: See... I'm one of the Oracles. About ten years ago, they tried to prove that I was just some groupie or hanger-on. They all thought I was too young to process the awesome powers of an Oracle. Then, there was the slaughter. Some punk ass bitches came up into the Temple and started blasting shit away. Only two of us survived.  
  
NOS: I know how you feel. I was the leader of one of the death squads. I was trying to take control, but they thought I was too young as well. They kept telling me to bide my time. Fuck that! I could out think them, I could out learn them, I could out philosophize them... and I was gonna out last them. In fact... I did outlast them. I'm the last general of the death squads.  
  
DREAMER: You aren't the piece of shit that took down the temple are you... cause I'll fuckin whack you right here... I lost my fuckin best pipe when then roof collapsed.  
  
NOS: Nah... our group was busy ripping the livers out of some old folks in Miami at the time. Hey, you said there were two of you left... where's the other one.  
  
Henry the Chronic Dog comes hauling ass around a rock with a big fatty in his mouth.  
  
DREAMER: This is Henry. He and I are the last of the Oracles.  
  
NOS: Uhm... sweetcheeks... he's a fuckin dog.  
  
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: So what if I am, you're still a punk kid with a shit-load of pent up angst.  
  
NOS: What the fuck is in this pipe?  
  
DREAMER: Relax stupid. He's an Oracle. He's got special powers.  
  
NOS: He's a fuckin dog.  
  
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: Hey... look at Mr. Zoologist here with the big brain on him. Yes, I'm a dog.  
  
NOS: This scene is seriously fucked up. HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: You see kid, the world nowadays is a weird and wacky place. They say that there is this one kid that can punch people in the ass, reach up, and pull out their livers. Now how fucked up is a talking dog next to that?  
  
NOS: All I know is that the other day I was slaughtering stupid people, then a voice came out of the sky and I asked it to kill me... I blew up in a blinding light... ended up on a mountain top... now I see a talking dog. I feel like I'm Jim Morrison in that movie  
  
DREAMER: The Doors?  
  
NOS: No... Wayne's World Two!  
  
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: Look... I'm gonna go score some Funyuns (Cash Register sound... Henry smiles at the camera)... and chow down. When you decide to get your head out of your ass... I'll spit the low down on the showdown. PEACE!  
  
Henry walks back around the rock from whence he came. Close up on Nos with a very puzzled look on his face.  
  
CUT SCENE  
  
THE CAMERA FOLLOWS CROWD AND MISSY CLIMBING INTO THE OLD RUINS DISNEY'S SPACE MOUNTAIN. THERE ARE PILES OF BUSTED RADIO EVERYWHERE. A VOICE COME OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER  
  
VOICE (V.O.): Who dares disturb the sanctity of the temple, who is it that seeks the Informer? Who wants to face the Phantom?  
  
MISSY: Oh my god oh my god oh my god  
  
CROWD: Chill... it's just some whack a nut with a microphone  
  
MISSY: No Crowd... there... it's a bug... kill it kill it kill it oh my god.  
  
CROWD: You have got to be kidding me.  
  
MISSY: Kill it kill it kill it kill it kill it  
  
(crowd steps on the bug with a nice sounding squish. Bug guts splatter one of the radios)  
  
CROWD: Happy now? (crowd leans back and shouts into the rafters) Mr. Radio!!! I got some old tapes for you... get your ass out here.  
  
MR. RADIO (V.O.): Rock... be right down.  
  
MISSY: What tapes?  
  
CROWD: Look in the purple bag... wait... no... it was in my pink bag. There are thirteen tapes in there... some old radio shows. I figured if we wanted something from him... we needed to bring a little gift. He's a severe radio geek.  
  
MR. RADIO: Heeeey... crowd... long time man... damn... what happen to your eye? Oh... don't tell me... you were on the highway... uuuhh... 417... and you were just passing where it crosses old 50 and... uh... let's see... (Mr. Radio goes into a deep concentration) you got hit by a nice bottle rocket strapped with high explosives... I'd strike a guess that it was the Road Warrior.  
  
MISSY: How'd... how... how  
  
MR. RADIO: How Tonto... Me am Oracle.  
  
CROWD: Missy... I'd like you to meet the last living Oracle.  
  
MISSY: But they said all of the Oracles were slaughtered.  
  
MR. RADIO: All but one. Thanks to my radio fetish... I was able to listen in and hear about the attack... unfortunately... everyone at the temple ignored my doomsday prophecy and... well... they all got gutted.  
  
MISSY: crowd... is he going...  
  
MR. RADIO: to be able to help you figure out what a SoopDragon is. Sure. I got a few reliable sources.  
  
CROWD: Here's the tapes. Sorry it took so long, but finding equipment that works is a bitch.  
  
MR. RADIO: No problem. Come on up and take a look at some of the stuff I got from the Maitland center.  
  
CROWD: I'd love to, but we came here on business. We only have about two and a half months to get this recipe done and get to the party.  
  
MR. RADIO: Ahhh... well... sit for a spell and let me tell you what you need to know. First... the fucker lives on Testosterone Mountain...  
  
Scene fades out as Mr. Radio tells Missy and crowd all about the SoopDragon.  
  
CUT SCENE  
  
MAMA JUGGS IS RETURNING TO THE ISOL8D'S WORKSHOP. THERE IS A DARK FIGURE STANDING BEHIND HER.  
  
MAMA JUGGS: Sir, the Oracle is here.  
  
ISOL8D: Excellent!  
  
STAINS: ISO... you fuckin piece of shit.  
  
ISOL8D: Nice to see you wind bag.  
  
STAINS: Look you fuck, I'm only helping you because it will help bring an end to all of these fucks forever.  
  
ISOL8D: And I'm only dealing with you cause you're the last fucking Oracle. I'm not the most thrilled about this.  
  
STAINS: Deal with it fuck wad.  
  
ISOL8D: Well... what do you have for me?  
  
Action stops and dramatic music is queued up.  
  
Roll credits. 


	16. S2 Episode 2 Dark Knight

As The Hairy Cankle Turns  
  
Season 2 Episode 2  
  
Part 15  
  
Enter the Dark Knight  
  
SCENE OPENS UP IN A BALL OF DUST WHICH IS JUST BEGINNING TO SETTLE. LOONE2N IS STANDING ABOVE KLINGON CHICK WHO IS KNEELING ON THE GROUND.  
  
LoonE2N: Nobody *kick* FUCKS *uppercut* WITH *kick* MY *right hook* FRIENDS. No walk yo bitch ass on.  
  
(Klingonchick rises and slowly turns away)  
  
KlingonChick: This is far from over toothpick!  
  
(RockStarMike wakes up out of his coma)  
  
RockStarMike: What the hell is going on?  
  
(Editor's Note... SEE... and you guys thought the coma thing was cheesy... HA!)  
  
Synch: Where in the hell did you learn to fight like that Loon?  
  
LoonE2N: I watched a lot of Nickleodean when I was a kid.  
  
Synch (still puzzled): Oh... uh... ok.  
  
CoolGrlJen: Brad... uhm... do you mind taking your face out of my boobs for just a minute. I wanna go check on my friends.  
  
(Jen joins the group and they are all standing around talking. A shadowy figure comes walking through the dust. He is wearing a Tuxedo)  
  
oo7: You guys wouldn't happen to have any hair gel, do you?  
  
Synch: Uh, this is a post-post-post-post-apocalyptic story... I doubt that anyone has any hair gel.  
  
oo7: Damn.  
  
LoonE2N: And just who the hell are you?  
  
oo7: I'm Batman!  
  
CoolGrlJen (rolling her eyes): That joke is getting old... guys, this is oo7. He's the oracle. When LoonE was in the middle of fighting I used my secret communicator that uses the specialized satellite dishes I keep in my bra cups and the reflective properties of my leather pants along with an old cell phone that has been modified to boost a signal through these specialized metal drum sticks I got from a drummer I once knew and sent out a distress signal and this guy answered and said he was an Oracle. He's got a big orange truck that we can ride in, and since he ...  
  
Synch: You might want to take a breath Jen  
  
CoolGrlJen (deep breath): ... modified the truck to fly... we can get to the mountain super quick now.  
  
RockStarMike: Again, what the fuck is going on here?  
  
LoonE2N: You missed me totally kicking ass it was so cool I hit and kicked and punched and beat her all up and sent the bitch packin cause I'm totally cool like that and I kick so much...  
  
Synch: WOULD YOU PEOPLE PLEASE BREATH WHEN YOU TALK... Sheesh.  
  
oo7: The truck is on the other side of the ridge... let's go.  
  
LoonE2N: SHOTGUN... I getshotguncauseicalleditfirstandtherestofyouhavetorideinthebackcauseigetshot guncauseicalleditfirstwoooooohhooooooooo SHOTGUN!!!  
  
They head off over the ridge.  
  
CUT SCENE 


	17. S2 Episode 3 Destiny's Child

As the Hairy Cankle Turns  
  
Part 16  
  
Season 2 Episode 3  
  
Destiny's Child  
  
High on the Mountain Top in Tibet...  
  
DREAMER: ... you see Nos... you were put here for a reason. Not just for slaying the boring and mundane, but to fulfill a prophecy.  
  
NOS: Kinda like the chosen one.  
  
(Henry the Chronic Dog walks around the corner)  
  
HENRY: AAAAAAAahahahahahaha... Chosen one... Prophecy... AAAAAAHAHAHAH... this is good shit... if I had thumbs I'd write this shit down... aaaaaaahahahahahaaa... this is priceless... it would make for a really funny post on a web board.  
  
DREAMER: Shut up dumbass, I'm doing Oracle shit over here.  
  
HENRY: Whatever... I'll be over here licking my balls... Hey Nos... let me know when you want to hear what's really going on.  
  
DREAMER (rolls her eyes): Any way... Nos... you have more talents than you realize. You're more than just a killing machine. You just have to open your mind. Here... toke on this...  
  
NOS: Eh... what the hell... I doubt that things can get much weirder.  
  
(Nos take a big puff on a pipe. The screen goes foggy and a dream sequence begins. Nos sees all of the horrors that have been a mainstay in his life... Poetry, gurgling troglodytes, cycloptic weirdoes, Bisexual Vampires that like young children, Bug eyed geckos that babble, and robots... lots of robots.)  
  
NOS (con't): Holy Shit... Chili was right... but he was more right than he thought.  
  
DREAMER: Is that a hint of understanding?  
  
NOS: No... it can't be true.  
  
DREAMER: See for your self... smack yourself in the nuts.  
  
HENRY (snickering to himself): Oh... I gotta see.  
  
NOS: Are you fucking high?  
  
DREAMER: Well, Duh... just hit yourself in the balls and it will answer your questions.  
  
(Nos closes his eyes and raises his fist... after a long deep breath he drops his hand into his crotch.... it makes solid contact with a *CLANG*)  
  
HENRY: What the shit is that?  
  
NOS: This is fucking insane, man.  
  
DREAMER: Nihilistic Omnipotence Scout  
  
NOS: I'm a fuckin Droid???  
  
HENRY: AAAAAAAAahahahahahahahahaha... DooD... George Lucas is going to have your ass for lunch... Droid is copyrighted stuff!  
  
NOS: I'm a fucking robot?  
  
DREAMER: Not exactly.  
  
NOS: Then what the fuck is going on.  
  
HENRY: Look Schmucko... Think about it... a kid that can ram his fist up someone's ass and pull out a liver, a little girl that can rip arms off of bodies, a talking fucking dog for christ sakes...  
  
*Ahem* Yo, Cheese-mo... cue that fucking dreamy music shit again... Ever since the world went tits up like a crack junkie whore who free-based her way to the nether world... people have done pretty much what ever the fuck they wanted to. They had software out there that could teach you how to fuck with DNA at home with simple household items.  
  
There was this really freakie dude who started fucking with people. He implanted some memories, fucked up some DNA... and sent these freaks out to wreak havoc on the world. He gave them all code names cause it sounded cool.  
  
NOS: So how do all of you fit into this?  
  
DREAMER: Who knows... it's not like we're writing the story.  
  
NOS: Uh... I hate to interrupt, but what's that?  
  
DREAMER: Oh... it's a drumstick that I got a long time ago. It's pretty gnarled up thanks to that piss bag over there.  
  
HENRY: HEY! I'm a fuckin DAWG Ovah here... I chew shit okay!  
  
NOS: Can I see it... I want to try something.  
  
(Nos wanders off by himself... he pushes a button on his wrist and his arm opens up)  
  
NOS: Fuck this is getting weird  
  
(Inside his arm is a tool kit... he pulls it out and starts tinkering with the drumstick. A few hours later he goes back over to the ledge where Henry and Dreamer and ripping into a huge plate of Nachos)  
  
NOS: Well... not sure how I did it... but... it actually fucking works.  
  
DREAMER: What works?  
  
NOS: This!  
  
(Nos pushes a button he installed on the side of the drumstick. A glowing beam rises out of the stick like a laser generated sword.)  
  
HENRY: What the fuck is that?  
  
NOS: I call it... a Light Saber  
  
HENRY: *AHEM* Pssst... copyrights numbnuts...  
  
NOS: I call it... a ... uh... glowing drum sword... uhm... I think of something... here... It's a gift for you since you have helped me. I gotta go.  
  
(Nos grabs his back pack, opens it up and finds a teleporter.)  
  
NOS: Damn I have some cool shit... Thanks guys!  
  
(With the press of a few buttons, Nos was gone)  
  
HENRY: Fuckin prick... didn't even invite us  
  
DREAMER: Eh... like we need teleporters  
  
HENRY: I still wanna see his face when he finds out the rest of the story.  
  
DREAMER: No shit... but this thing is pretty bad-ass.  
  
HENRY: It's a fuckin geek toy  
  
DREAMER: How about I see if it works by attempting an operation on your balls.  
  
HENRY: Chiiiiiiiiill... I was joking. (whispers) Dumb bitch!  
  
(Fade to Black) 


	18. S2 Episode 4 To Slay a Dragon

As the Hairy Cankle Turns  
  
Part 17  
  
Season 2 Episode 4  
  
To Slay a Dragon  
  
Open directly into an action sequence... LilShyOne and Psycho are tossed across the rocky opening. Jimmy Nexus ducks just as a huge scaly tail swings by, but is smacked as the tail swings back.  
  
Chuck is cornered as a slimy snout is barely visible. Smoke puffs out of the nostrils as it snorts, getting closer and closer to Chuck.  
  
Shifty Jumps on the back of the neck and screams, "How we spose to stop this thing?"  
  
FREEZE FRAME  
  
Jimmy Nexus (VO): You might be wondering how we got to this point. I was asking myself, WHY we got to this point. And until a few minutes ago... I thought all that stuff about Dragons was bullshit.  
  
***FlashBack***  
  
In a plane soaring high above a mountain range, just below the clouds...  
  
PSYCHO: ...but why does it have to be the Gimp-Mobile and the Gimp-Jet and on and on.  
  
USELESSLEGS: Because I was the first born... dumbass.  
  
SHIFTY (from the pilot seat): I don't care what it's called as long as I get to fly this sum-bitch!  
  
LILSHYONE: Do you think this SoopDragon is as disgusting and as horrible as they say?  
  
NEXUS: I doubt the fucker even exists. I think Jaffe has lost his damn mind.  
  
USELESSLEGS: Yeah, but he's a rich fucker who lost his mind... HOOFA! Which means...  
  
ALL TOGETHER: PAY DIRT!  
  
USELESSLEGS: Damn Skippy!  
  
PSYCHO: Hey... We got any more Pringles back there?  
  
LILSHYONE: You ate them all... but we do have that  
  
(LARGE THUD and the entire plane shakes)  
  
SHIFTY: Ah shit... strap in folks... I think what we were looking for... just found us.  
  
LARGE THUD... Plane shakes.  
  
NEXUS: Dammit... that sumbitch must be huge.  
  
USELESSLEGS: I think I just filled my pants.  
  
LILSHYONE (screaming): Somebody do something!!!  
  
PSYCHO: Nah... seriously... guys... If you got some Pringles up there pass'em back.  
  
LARGE THUD... plane shakes. Sounds of engine whining  
  
SHIFTY: Well, boss... looks like we just got a new shit heap of trouble handed to us.  
  
USELESSLEGS: Let me try to use my telepathic powers to steady the plane.  
  
SHIFTY: Dude... (laughing under his breath) You don't have telepathic powers.  
  
USELESSLEGS: Yes-Huh! The other day when I was taking a shit, I looked over at the toothbrush on the counter and I swear... I swear to you that, that son of a bitch moved almost a sixteenth of an inch.  
  
SHIFTY: Bullshit!  
  
USELESSLEGS: Bet me fucker!  
  
SHIFTY: Oh right... How are you gonna prove it?  
  
USELESSLEGS: I'll stop the plane from crashing using my mind.  
  
SHIFTY: Stop fucking around... (EXPLOSION) Shit... that was out last engine... If you can get that fucking over sized moon rock to do some magic... now would be the time.  
  
(Plane spins out of control and begins falling)  
  
PSYCHO: Fuck... just pass the Doritos then.  
  
(Everyone else has fear on their face as shifty tries to land safely. Chuck looks like he is concentrating on a small pebble on the floor)  
  
Everything stops and it is dead silent. Shifty is frozen in place. Everyone has their eyes slammed shut.  
  
NEXUS: Holy Shit, we're alive. Nice Job Joe.  
  
SHIFTY: Wasn't me... I was too busy crashing.  
  
USELESSLEGS: AHA! See fuckers... I told you!  
  
SHIFTY: Oh shut up! You had nothing to do with it.  
  
NEXUS: Yeah, Chuck... we're stuck in a tree.  
  
PSYCHO: Do we have any nacho cheese left?  
  
USELESSLEGS: My great mental powers steered us to the top of this tree to land safely until...  
  
(Tree branches crackle and the ship begins to plummet to the earth)  
  
...ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh shit!  
  
(The ship lands in a mud bog with a nice SPALOOOOOOSH!)  
  
SHIFTY: WOooooooooooooooooooo... Dammit that was AWESOME! I'ma gonna have to do this again sometime.  
  
USELESSLEGS: Heee hee... that was pretty cool... I think I just peed myself.  
  
NEXUS: That was cool.  
  
LILSHYONE: Uh, guys, not trying to ruin the celebration or anything... but... I think we have company.  
  
PSYCHO: Can we go kill this thing now so we can go...  
  
(Large roaring from outside the plane...the outer wall is ripped away to reveal a hideous creature.)  
  
SHIFTY: It's showtime!  
  
USELESSLEGS: Ok, people... this ain't no drill... hit'em with all you got.  
  
(The team bursts out of the new opening in the plane and goes in for the kill.)  
  
LilShyOne and Psycho are tossed across the rocky opening. Jimmy Nexus ducks just as a huge scaly tail swings by, but is smacked as the tail swings back.  
  
Chuck is cornered as a slimy snout is barely visible. Smoke puffs out of the nostrils as it snorts, getting closer and closer to Chuck.  
  
SHIFTY: How we spose to stop this thing?  
  
LILSHYONE: Shifty... take off your watch!  
  
(Shifty leans over and clicks the latch with his chin, still holding onto the dragons neck)  
  
USELESSLEGS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO... Don't do it!  
  
(Slow Motion Sequence... Shifty's watch unlatches and falls toward the ground... Chuck shouts in slow motion weird sounding "Nooooooooooooooo!" Lightening crashes, thunder rolls... and the thunder rolls {Fuck Garth Brookes} Shifty's hands instantly turn to pure granite fists)  
  
PSYCHO: Oh hell  
  
LILSHYONE: Uh oh  
  
Shifty screams in intense pain and begins to pummel the dragon. The dragon turns away from Chuck and faces Shifty. The dragon's breath is warm and musky. It smells like someone took a hot steamy shit in a Port-O-Let and let it sit for three or four days in the warm Florida Sun.  
  
CHUCK: Everyone... attack now!  
  
Lilshyone runs full force into the rib cage of the beast knocking it off balance as Shifty continues to punch its hideous face. Nexus whips out his cock and starts yanking for all he's worth, spraying toxic cock juice all over the legs of the beast. Chuck whips down his pants and begins pissing on the dragon's tail.  
  
CHUCK: Psycho... attack the creature now.  
  
PSYCHO: Hell no... that thing smells like shit. I'll eat almost anything... but I ain't putting that thing anywhere near my mouth.  
  
CHUCK: Do it now or we're all gonna die.  
  
PSYCHO: You know... sometimes... I really hate you  
  
Psycho grabbed one of the from claws of the beast and slowly raised it to his mouth. As he goes to bite, the dragon is distracted and looks at Psycho. As he lowers his chin Shifty nails him square between the eyes shattering it's skull. The dragon falls to the ground in a sloppy smelly heap.  
  
PSYCHO: Thank god.  
  
LILSHYONE: Here Shifty, Here's your watch.  
  
Shifty puts his watch back on as his hands transform back to normal.  
  
NEXUS: Well... I'm no medical doctor... but I'd say the fucker is pretty dead.  
  
SHIFTY: Then cut it open and grab it's heart so we can go get paid.  
  
LILSHYONE: Only one thing...  
  
SHIFTY: What's that?  
  
LILSHYONE: That's not SoopDragon  
  
SHIFTY: What???  
  
CHUCK: She's right. This... this foul creature is the Brother of Murrrr. This is Bou the PoopDragon. A creature that is 98% feces.  
  
PSYCHO: And you wanted me to eat that? Screw you... I'm outa here!  
  
NEXUS: You cracked his skull wide open Shifty.  
  
LILSHYONE: Ewww... what's that white stuff oozing out.  
  
SHIFTY: Damn... looks like a bulldog eating mayonaise.  
  
CHUCK: Or CorkBoard Gel!!! HOOOOFA!  
  
(Fade to black) 


	19. S2 Episode 5 Anyone Want a Peanut?

AS THE HAIRY CANKLE TURNS  
  
PART 18  
  
SEASON 2 EPISODE 5  
  
Anybody want a Peanut?  
  
THEY HAVE BEEN FLOATING FOR WHAT SEEMS TO BE EONS. THE MOUNTAINS ON EITHER SIDE OF THEM HAVE THE SAME APPEARANCE AS THEY DID HOURS UPON HOURS AGO. IF THEY WERE NOT ALREADY CRAZY, THEY WOULD SURELY GO INSANE.  
  
FIRESITE: What they hell are you doing?  
  
DARKONE: Huh?  
  
FIRESITE: Are you putting on makeup?  
  
DARKONE: NO!  
  
FIRESITE: Yes you are... FAG  
  
DARKONE: It's war paint you asshole!  
  
FIRESITE: It's fucking make up.  
  
DARKONE: Oh look who's talking Mr. I'M WEARIN-A-DRESS!!!  
  
FIRESITE: I already explained to you that this is Red's MooMoo... It was the only thing that wasn't covered in guts and goo.  
  
DARKONE: I told you before... you should wear a tunic like I do. It keeps shit like that off of you.  
  
FIRESITE: Yeah... but then I look like a goth fag who needs an ass beating.  
  
DARKONE: Or in your case... an ass pounding... Fag  
  
FIRESITE: Shut up... just fucking paddle.  
  
DARKONE: H O L Y S H I T... Is that what I think it is?  
  
FIRESITE: F U C K... that's fucking Testosterone Mountain. And by my calculations... we're less than a day away.  
  
DARKONE: Yipee!  
  
FIRESITE: LOL... did you just say Yippee?  
  
THE PICTURE PANS BACK TO SHOW THE SCENE BEING DISPLAYED ON A 112 INCH TELEVISION MOUNTED ON A WALL IN SIDE THE JAFFE BUILDING.  
  
JAFFE: Add that fucker to the list. He just L'd OL... MEN, do not LOL. I want that fucker dead.  
  
GATORJEN: Jaffe, don't you think you are going a smidge overboard on this?  
  
JAFFE: And this one... (he points to another monitor)... who ever the fuck this person is... needs to die a slow painful death.  
  
GATORJEN: That's Form52... he wa...  
  
JAFFE: DEAD... add him to the list... and get that gaggle of rag-a muffins on the phone... they need to step this shit up a bit before I put them on the list.  
  
GATORJEN: *sigh* Here... have a FastBreak (Product Placement)... It always calms you down.  
  
JAFFE: I don't want a FastBreak... okay... maybe I do want a FastBreak... But I also want Death... run down the list for me please.  
  
GATORJEN: OK... On the DEAD... Thank GOODNESS Column, you have Gurgle Man  
  
JAFFE (shudder): I get the chills just thinking about it.  
  
GATORJEN: What his gruesome death.  
  
JAFFE: No... him opening his mouth.  
  
GATORJEN: Uh... then there's poetry lady, there is also Redman.  
  
JAFFE: There should be MORE DEATH... more destruction... I want to bring forth the The Dark Horseman, the grim reaper, the terminator, any fuckin body that will eliminate the shit heads of the world.  
  
GATORJEN: Uh... hon... chill. I got you a Burger King Chicken sandwich on the counter... just... for god sakes... CHILL.  
  
JAFFE: OK... but go through the list of people I want dead.  
  
GATORJEN: Do we really have to do this again? Wouldn't you rather sit down and play Final Fantasy 81 while I dance naked in your lap.  
  
JAFFE: Yessss... (evil grin) ... Mmmmmm... Final Fantasy!  
  
AND MEANWHILE BACK AT THE FU CASTLE... THERE IS A RUCKUS IN THE MAIN HALL. THE PART OF NAKED GIRL NUMBER ONE SHALL BE PLAYED BY BEYONCé KNOWLES  
  
THE PART OF NAKED GIRL NUMBER TWO WILL BE PLAYED BY KATE HUDSON  
  
THE PART OF NAKED GIRL NUMBER THREE WILL BE PLAYED BY BRITTANY MURPHY  
  
KING FU: What was that ruckus?  
  
THREE NAKED GIRLS: The Jester tried to Fuck us!  
  
KING FU: That's not right, you belong to the King.  
  
NAKED GIRL ONE: Eeeeeewww... he touched me with his thing.  
  
KING FU: Sheriff bring the jester to kneel before me.  
  
NAKED GIRL TWO: Are you going to make his punishment vicious and gory?  
  
KING FU: Nay. I have a mission for the little twit.  
  
NAKED GIRL THREE: Hopefully it deal with crawling through some shit.  
  
SHERIFF CNM: Here's the Jester, the boy named Lemming  
  
KING FU: I cannot have this discourse whilst my plan is stemming. I need my forces aligned and at the ready  
  
LEMMING: But good King, the recent turn of events have made things quite unsteady.  
  
KING FU: All the more reason for us to be on our toes.  
  
SHERIFF CNM: I fear that we may be headed for awful woes.  
  
THREE NAKED GIRLS: Dear King you seem unnerved It is time that you were served. Let's retire to your chambers and we'll undress.  
  
KING FU: With a crooked smile and a furrowed brow... I reply... YEEEEES! 


End file.
